“May the Fourth Be with You” – Happy #4 to My #1:

Steve and Britt, 4 Years

“Let someone love you just the way you are — as flawed as you might be, as unattractive as you sometimes feel, and as unaccomplished as you think you are.  To believe that you must hide all the parts of you that are broken, out of fear that someone is incapable of loving what is less than perfect, is to believe that sunlight is incapable of entering a broken window and illuminating a dark room.” — A Wise Person

I’m not sure of all of my decisions in life, but one thing I know is certain, I loved you from the beginning and I’ll love you for hundreds of years to come.  You are the bravest man I know, keeping my heart forever safe.  Cheers to you, my love, the moon and all the stars, I love you even though you are from Mars.

Happy fourth wedding anniversary, XI.XII.MMXI

(PS- don’t kill me for the title of this post, Steve…it’s just FOUR you!)

Love,

Britt x

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#2 “Cancerversary” Q & A:

#2 Cancerversary

Upon my #2 year “cancerversary” I reflected upon the journey with some Q&A:

Q: What makes you smile these days?

A: Air conditioning first and foremost, but otherwise it’s just the simple things; a funny text, a song on the radio that triggers a lovely memory and of course the fact that I am lucky enough to get the summer free from chemo. A break from treatment has left a permanent smile on my face.

Q: Did you learn anything in your second year of battling cancer?

A: YES! Not all things are fair, but that is the nature of life. I’ve realized that I am here on a spiritual journey and if I’m open, l will see the beautiful lessons all around. But most of all, I’ve learned to accept my defeats and try to grow from them instead of letting them control me in a negative way.

Q: What has been your most memorable moment in the last year?

A: Ah! There are too many, this last year has been so good to me. I’d say my most precious moment was when I was in Liverpool with my Nan and a street violinist played, “You are my Sunshine” and my Nan sang it word for word to me. It was an emotional, raw moment that I’ll never forget.

Q: What have you done to make your life less stressful?

A: I’ve stuck to my zero bullshit tolerance. I often walk on such a fine line of being content and depressed and in order to remain on the positive side of things I’ve learned that I need to protect myself. It’s a challenge.

Q: Are you carrying any excess baggage into your third year as a cancer patient?

A: No. I’d say I am in a pretty great place; my tumor markers are at an all time low, my body is getting stronger each day and I am focusing on my mental health constantly. I’m also creatively in a good place, with a lot of different projects in the works.

Q: Is there anyone that deserves a big “THANK YOU”?

A: Anyone that has given me love, encouragement and support over the last two years. I always feel the love.  Steve and my Nan are saints and I can never thank them both enough, especially.

Q: What are your top three goals for the next year?

A: Obviously first and foremost is to try and stay as healthy as possible, with the thought that my terminal illness is not a death sentence and try to live as normally as I can. I’d also like to put a lot of energy into my creative power, publish the book that I am co-authoring and manifest a steadfast voice for cancer patients and survivors.

Q: What has the biggest lesson been so far with having cancer?

A: Sometimes painful things can teach us the most beautiful lessons. I’ve seen people’s true colors, as well as my own and I’ve realized that peace really does have to come from within.

Q: What are your fears?

A: Letting fear win. Once fear enters the mind, it takes over the body and I can’t afford to let that happen.

Q: What have you struggled with in the last year that you want to change?

A: Communication was my biggest struggle this year. I have a tendency to be such a loner and keeping up with people and connecting sometimes takes a lot of energy for me. But, I realize the significance of my relationships and I’d like to be able to reciprocate my time and energy more often and freely. It is so important.

Q: What can you do today that you were not capable of a year ago?

A: TRAVEL! A year ago I was on travel lockdown and too sick to pack up and go. This year I’ve managed to travel and it’s been bliss! My two biggest trips were Hawaii with Steve and the UK with my Nan. My world opened up again this year and changed me forever.

Q: What word best describes the way you’ve spent the last year of your life?

A: Transparent.

Q: In one year from today, how do you think your life will be different?

A: Hopefully my cancer will still be in a manageable place, where I can continue to have a quality of life. Second to that, I hope to get published and see the book lined on shelves for everyone to read. High hopes, always!

Q: Are there any issues from the cancer that you continually avoid to talk about?

A: Yes, the dynamic that takes place with family members when cancer is in the mix. Those you think would be there aren’t always able to show up for you and it is difficult to accept. So far the thing I hate most about cancer is what it can do to a family.

Q: What is something that no one, not even cancer can take away from you?

A: Writing. At times cancer can take away my will to live, but writing let’s me bleed and reminds me that I am alive.

Q: When you look into the past, before your diagnosis, what do you miss the most?

A: Pre-cancer me is such a stranger now. I miss feeling young, wild and free. Cancer can feel like a trap at times and my body feels ancient.

Q: What is the #1 change you need to make in your life for the next 12 months?

A: Let go of what I can’t change. I think that’s a quote, but accepting change is what I need to change.

Q: What have you learned about yourself in the last two years that you have been a cancer patient?

A: I’m pretty fu*kin strong!  Also, the importance of mental health — it can be so tricky!

Q: What is one thing right now that you are totally sure of?

A: That you can never really be sure of anything.

Q: What question do you often ask yourself?

A: Where is my mind? I sing it to myself though, like the Pixies.

Q: Time or money?

A: Time, it’s priceless.

Q: What is your wish for the next year of your life?

A: Happiness.

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A BROAD, ABROAD WITH A BLOG, ✈

Hello, my shining moonbeams. It’s been a minute. Within that minute I have entered what I feel to be a new phase in my life, a freeing phase that is catapulted by happiness. For nearly a month, I spent time across the pond and rediscovered my life and the things I want out of it.

To start off, wow. Can I just say – I LOVE ENGLAND! I’ve always known that and I had been there times before, but this time felt different. As most of you know, if you follow my story, I have been on travel lock down since my cancer diagnosis in the summer of 2013. By nature I am a jetsetter. I enjoy being in unknown places, without being attached to my “real” life and the troubles within. When I travel, there is a certain romance to it, a freedom that allows you to be whomever you want and for me, that is living without a terminal illness. I’m able to go back to being me; an adventurer with thirst in my blood for worldly experiences. When I was diagnosed, I felt that one of the biggest losses to having cancer was the fact that I could no longer be as free as I wished to be. My citizen of the world passport would no longer apply and I’d be stuck doing treatment after treatment without an escape. My escape had become writing. If I were no longer going to be able to leave and experience life, then I’d write about it, which I have.

This year, 2015, I vowed to myself that it would be different than the last two, that I would yet again spread my wings and live a little. In the beginning of the year I approached my Doctor and pleaded for some independence from my chemotherapy week after week, to which she obliged and advised that 2015 could be my year of travel with chemo squeezed in between. It was the best news I had heard in quite some time and immediately booked a trip to Hawaii with Steve-O and planned the trip for Nan and I go travel to the UK together to attend my beautiful cousin’s wedding and share laughs and love with the family over there that we don’t get to see often enough.

The trip was so important to me and I wanted to ensure that I soaked everything in. My Nan in her very own way was my wish-granting factory, as she made the trip happen. Being that we were returning to her home town, I was fortunate enough to visit her previous homes, where she grew up, the house she was born in, the hospital she had my Mum and Auntie Bev in, where my Granddad went to college, where the two of them were married and so much more. Being able to experience England through her eyes was more than my hearts desire and something I will never be able to thank her enough for.

There were endless amounts of stories, laughs, fish and chips, tea and best of all time with family on both my Nan’s side and my Granddad’s side.   My roots are in full force over there and it was lovely to get to know that side of myself so much more. The posh wedding of my cousin, which we attended, has built memories that will last a life time, as well as traveling to Chester, Liverpool and all over the Wirral with my cousin’s and their other halves, of course also visiting London with the best company and seeing each and every friend and family member. Howls were had, love was expressed and England will forever hold the key to my heart. Quite literally, as Nan and I locked our love on Albert Dock in Liverpool and threw the key into the River Mersey. Our loved ones can continue to visit us in Liverpool, even though we may not physically be there, our spirit will always remain.

Since I’ve been back I have been reliving each moment in my head and finding it difficult to write about. My time spent there was so special, that it is difficult to express. I feel rejuvenated and feel I have a new sense of direction for my life.   Suddenly gears have started moving upon my return and from that, fresh goals have emerged. I’m super excited about the future and what it holds and as things get closer, I’ll share more deets.

In the meantime, check out some photos from my trip and watch out for some upcoming projects and collabos. Big Kiss x.

Follow me on Instagram for daily updates: bestillmyheartblog

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Love, Britt x

Time ⏰

This evening, during my nightly phone call to my Mum, the subject of time came up. I was asking when my younger siblings were going to be released from school for summer break, to which she replied within the next two weeks. This means that my baby brothers and sister will be another year older; one a junior, one a freshman and the baby of the family will be in seventh grade. It got me thinking, where does time go?

As a child we wait for so many things- a birthday, Christmas, school dances, getting our drivers license, graduation, then college. As adults we tend less to wait for things, as the time flashes before us in the blink of an eye and the real treasure is time itself. There isn’t a remote to pause, rewind or stop the hands of time, but somehow it seems as though everything is fixed on fast-forward and it’s astonishing how short a time it can take for things to transform. In life, our days are numbered, but our souls do not have calendars or clocks, nor do they know the notion of time.

Over the weekend, it was one of those times where I wish life came with a remote. I wanted to freeze time and soak up all of the contentment that life in that very moment had to offer. Friday began with my very best friend visiting from California, where we spent the day laughing and generally being our weird selves, followed by Saturday which was spent with our small gang, “ABC”, Allison, Britt and Crystal. My best ladies and I reveled in the Arizona sunshine by sitting poolside, coupled with amazing cocktails and lots of chatter. The time spent was precious and long awaited, but never the less fleeting in its momentary bliss. The day transitioned into night, where some other friends joined us whom we hadn’t seen in some time, along with our significant others. Happiness was shared all around and before I could clench to the occasion, it was over in an instant and I retrieved to enfolding my best friend in a goodbye hug. Just like that the visit had come to a close and we are back to counting the days until we would see each other again.

The busy and quickening weekend forged ahead and my lovely cousin, Tom and his beautiful bride to be, Steph, stopped in Arizona on their journey across America. Tom and Steph are visiting from England and although our time spent together was short lived before they were off on their next destination, we embraced every moment of their company, enjoying it to the hilt. The four of us explored Downtown Phoenix, whilst bar hopping and having a great laugh. Once again the time flashed before us and was over in an instant.

I’m so eternally grateful to have such amazing relationships and people in my life. Time spent with all of them is definitely time well spent. It’s the oldest story in the history of the world; one day you’re ten and planning for someday and then quietly without ever really noticing, that someday is today and that someday is yesterday and this is your life. Try to enjoy every moment that you are given, stop to appreciate the small things and most importantly hang on to the memories that make you happy, for the experience of them is what makes life truly worthwhile.

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Love, Britt x

 

Don’t be an “ⒶⓈⓀⒽⓄⓁⒺ”

I #BSMHB #BeStillMyHeartBlog I www.BeStillMyHeartBlog.wordpress.com

By way of my zodiac sign, the Scorpio, I am an overly intense person, arguably to a fault.  There is no middle ground for me, no grey area of truths or untruths and an unvarnished knack for being a straight shooter.  You will always know where you stand with me, which is a blessing and a curse, with a liability all of my own.  I say what I say and I mean what I mean.  Sometimes though, I don’t know when to sojourn and let go of things I cannot control.

Habitually, I am an ASKHOLE (a new term I just learned from the interweb).  An “askhole” is someone that asks for advise and goes against it nonetheless.  So, yours truly, the resident “askhole” has a cumbersome relationship with being overly self-reliant and constantly preferring to look to myself for the answers.  While that may sounds like a respectable trait, I have found that more recently in my endeavor with soul searching, I need to let things marinate before inciting a reaction from my whip of a tongue.  I believe in the world of balance and any unwelcoming balances, brings out the penetrating behaviors of my unleashing star sign.

As most people set out for New Year resolutions, I am opting to make my resolutions a little earlier.  For starters, I must begin by continuing to be authentic and true to myself.  After all, if you can’t keep it real with yourself, then how can you expect to deliver that within relationships that you hold outside of yourself.    By staying true to you, does not deem you to be a selfish person, but rather a wise person that realizes the investment you have in yourself will manifest it’s way into important relations you carry with others.  We must demonstrate a set of our own standards and follow our own road in life, in an effort to live peacefully with ourselves and those we surround ourselves with.

Second to that, we are hardwired to perceiving and especially holding on to negativity in our lives.  This in and of itself is like a cancer, but unlike the real BIG C, this type of “life cancer”, as I call it,  festers and boils over into other capacities of our day to day lives.  I am going to begin focusing on smelling the roses, as opposed to dwelling on a conversation or experience that turned into a negative one.  Studies show that it takes five positive occurrences to negate one negative manifestation.  It takes 99% more effort to inhabit negative thoughts, than it does to harbor positivity.  Learning to let go, will allow you to grow.  Make room for the positivity and by letting things go, will sanction supplementary room for the good things your life has to offer itself.

By grooming yourself to let go of the old and invite the new, the balance in your life will become restored, whether it is fear, judgment, relationships or material possessions.  Letting go may be a slow process, but I plan to start as of now.  In addition, I am setting the standard for myself to let go of the things that cannot be controled, welcoming the triumphs that cannot be measured and hold on to the people and things that make me happy.  Moreover focus on the close confidants and comrades in your life, hold onto the people you love, LISTEN to them and take their advice.  After all, you wouldn’t want to be dubbed an “ASKHOLE”.

1. Letting go of fear

2. Letting go of old relationships

3. Letting go of grief

4. Letting go of loved ones

5. Letting go of disappointments

6. Letting go prejudice

7. Letting go of material possessions

8. Letting go of depression

9. Letting go of abuse

10. Letting go of negative energy

11. Letting go of addictions

12. Letting go of ego

Love,

Britt x