#2 “Cancerversary” Q & A:

#2 Cancerversary

Upon my #2 year “cancerversary” I reflected upon the journey with some Q&A:

Q: What makes you smile these days?

A: Air conditioning first and foremost, but otherwise it’s just the simple things; a funny text, a song on the radio that triggers a lovely memory and of course the fact that I am lucky enough to get the summer free from chemo. A break from treatment has left a permanent smile on my face.

Q: Did you learn anything in your second year of battling cancer?

A: YES! Not all things are fair, but that is the nature of life. I’ve realized that I am here on a spiritual journey and if I’m open, l will see the beautiful lessons all around. But most of all, I’ve learned to accept my defeats and try to grow from them instead of letting them control me in a negative way.

Q: What has been your most memorable moment in the last year?

A: Ah! There are too many, this last year has been so good to me. I’d say my most precious moment was when I was in Liverpool with my Nan and a street violinist played, “You are my Sunshine” and my Nan sang it word for word to me. It was an emotional, raw moment that I’ll never forget.

Q: What have you done to make your life less stressful?

A: I’ve stuck to my zero bullshit tolerance. I often walk on such a fine line of being content and depressed and in order to remain on the positive side of things I’ve learned that I need to protect myself. It’s a challenge.

Q: Are you carrying any excess baggage into your third year as a cancer patient?

A: No. I’d say I am in a pretty great place; my tumor markers are at an all time low, my body is getting stronger each day and I am focusing on my mental health constantly. I’m also creatively in a good place, with a lot of different projects in the works.

Q: Is there anyone that deserves a big “THANK YOU”?

A: Anyone that has given me love, encouragement and support over the last two years. I always feel the love.  Steve and my Nan are saints and I can never thank them both enough, especially.

Q: What are your top three goals for the next year?

A: Obviously first and foremost is to try and stay as healthy as possible, with the thought that my terminal illness is not a death sentence and try to live as normally as I can. I’d also like to put a lot of energy into my creative power, publish the book that I am co-authoring and manifest a steadfast voice for cancer patients and survivors.

Q: What has the biggest lesson been so far with having cancer?

A: Sometimes painful things can teach us the most beautiful lessons. I’ve seen people’s true colors, as well as my own and I’ve realized that peace really does have to come from within.

Q: What are your fears?

A: Letting fear win. Once fear enters the mind, it takes over the body and I can’t afford to let that happen.

Q: What have you struggled with in the last year that you want to change?

A: Communication was my biggest struggle this year. I have a tendency to be such a loner and keeping up with people and connecting sometimes takes a lot of energy for me. But, I realize the significance of my relationships and I’d like to be able to reciprocate my time and energy more often and freely. It is so important.

Q: What can you do today that you were not capable of a year ago?

A: TRAVEL! A year ago I was on travel lockdown and too sick to pack up and go. This year I’ve managed to travel and it’s been bliss! My two biggest trips were Hawaii with Steve and the UK with my Nan. My world opened up again this year and changed me forever.

Q: What word best describes the way you’ve spent the last year of your life?

A: Transparent.

Q: In one year from today, how do you think your life will be different?

A: Hopefully my cancer will still be in a manageable place, where I can continue to have a quality of life. Second to that, I hope to get published and see the book lined on shelves for everyone to read. High hopes, always!

Q: Are there any issues from the cancer that you continually avoid to talk about?

A: Yes, the dynamic that takes place with family members when cancer is in the mix. Those you think would be there aren’t always able to show up for you and it is difficult to accept. So far the thing I hate most about cancer is what it can do to a family.

Q: What is something that no one, not even cancer can take away from you?

A: Writing. At times cancer can take away my will to live, but writing let’s me bleed and reminds me that I am alive.

Q: When you look into the past, before your diagnosis, what do you miss the most?

A: Pre-cancer me is such a stranger now. I miss feeling young, wild and free. Cancer can feel like a trap at times and my body feels ancient.

Q: What is the #1 change you need to make in your life for the next 12 months?

A: Let go of what I can’t change. I think that’s a quote, but accepting change is what I need to change.

Q: What have you learned about yourself in the last two years that you have been a cancer patient?

A: I’m pretty fu*kin strong!  Also, the importance of mental health — it can be so tricky!

Q: What is one thing right now that you are totally sure of?

A: That you can never really be sure of anything.

Q: What question do you often ask yourself?

A: Where is my mind? I sing it to myself though, like the Pixies.

Q: Time or money?

A: Time, it’s priceless.

Q: What is your wish for the next year of your life?

A: Happiness.



Hello, my shining moonbeams. It’s been a minute. Within that minute I have entered what I feel to be a new phase in my life, a freeing phase that is catapulted by happiness. For nearly a month, I spent time across the pond and rediscovered my life and the things I want out of it.

To start off, wow. Can I just say – I LOVE ENGLAND! I’ve always known that and I had been there times before, but this time felt different. As most of you know, if you follow my story, I have been on travel lock down since my cancer diagnosis in the summer of 2013. By nature I am a jetsetter. I enjoy being in unknown places, without being attached to my “real” life and the troubles within. When I travel, there is a certain romance to it, a freedom that allows you to be whomever you want and for me, that is living without a terminal illness. I’m able to go back to being me; an adventurer with thirst in my blood for worldly experiences. When I was diagnosed, I felt that one of the biggest losses to having cancer was the fact that I could no longer be as free as I wished to be. My citizen of the world passport would no longer apply and I’d be stuck doing treatment after treatment without an escape. My escape had become writing. If I were no longer going to be able to leave and experience life, then I’d write about it, which I have.

This year, 2015, I vowed to myself that it would be different than the last two, that I would yet again spread my wings and live a little. In the beginning of the year I approached my Doctor and pleaded for some independence from my chemotherapy week after week, to which she obliged and advised that 2015 could be my year of travel with chemo squeezed in between. It was the best news I had heard in quite some time and immediately booked a trip to Hawaii with Steve-O and planned the trip for Nan and I go travel to the UK together to attend my beautiful cousin’s wedding and share laughs and love with the family over there that we don’t get to see often enough.

The trip was so important to me and I wanted to ensure that I soaked everything in. My Nan in her very own way was my wish-granting factory, as she made the trip happen. Being that we were returning to her home town, I was fortunate enough to visit her previous homes, where she grew up, the house she was born in, the hospital she had my Mum and Auntie Bev in, where my Granddad went to college, where the two of them were married and so much more. Being able to experience England through her eyes was more than my hearts desire and something I will never be able to thank her enough for.

There were endless amounts of stories, laughs, fish and chips, tea and best of all time with family on both my Nan’s side and my Granddad’s side.   My roots are in full force over there and it was lovely to get to know that side of myself so much more. The posh wedding of my cousin, which we attended, has built memories that will last a life time, as well as traveling to Chester, Liverpool and all over the Wirral with my cousin’s and their other halves, of course also visiting London with the best company and seeing each and every friend and family member. Howls were had, love was expressed and England will forever hold the key to my heart. Quite literally, as Nan and I locked our love on Albert Dock in Liverpool and threw the key into the River Mersey. Our loved ones can continue to visit us in Liverpool, even though we may not physically be there, our spirit will always remain.

Since I’ve been back I have been reliving each moment in my head and finding it difficult to write about. My time spent there was so special, that it is difficult to express. I feel rejuvenated and feel I have a new sense of direction for my life.   Suddenly gears have started moving upon my return and from that, fresh goals have emerged. I’m super excited about the future and what it holds and as things get closer, I’ll share more deets.

In the meantime, check out some photos from my trip and watch out for some upcoming projects and collabos. Big Kiss x.

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Love, Britt x

Boo! — A Voice FROM the Past 👻 🎃, xo


The bath water was scorching—hotter than a backyard pool in the middle of Arizona’s “dry heat” season. It would have been my fourth bath of the day. No judgments, I truly feel that I belong in the movie, Mermaids with Cher and an early Christina Ricci. It’s bizarre that the bath is where I find it peaceful and a place to fully rest my head— my safe haven since my diagnosis.

My black and silver, new pipe flickered in unison with the candle off to the side of the bathtub, as I further emerged myself into the hot water filled to the brim with bubbles. I reached for that new, shiny pipe, realizing that I was officially a pothead— a medical one, but nevertheless a raging, “puffale” (pot lingo…I think). It seemed clear in that moment that I wasn’t smoking to see unicorns and middle earth, but because it had become the only way that I knew how to get from one eight hours to the next. Some would call it depression, but it is so much more than that.

I typically stray from too many young cancer articles, or just information in general. However, I did come across the Brittany Maynard video and watched it from beginning to end. Firstly, what a brave and strong woman she is—perhaps it’s expected with a name like, Brittany (jokes)! I couldn’t be more enthused that she got to complete her “bucket list” and completely understand that in her soon to be condition, there will come a time when it gets far too painful and depressing and she will want to end her life. It’s only imaginable how many people may have an opinion on this subject matter, the subject of death with dignity. While I gather that this is a controversial topic that is now more spotlighted, I can’t help but be envious that she has the right to say when enough is enough. Unless you are terminally ill, I’m not sure this sounds straight, but those of us who are, may we be fortunate enough to have the option to die with dignity.

This above statement is in no way implying that you can’t have a terminal illness and find happiness, it can be amazing and a good balance. Sometimes it even aids in engaging the patient to live life to the absolute fullest. I was there once and it was a brilliant, I was fearless, somewhat unscathed at that point and ultimately I did things I would never have done if it weren’t for my so called death sentence. Death has a way of being contradictory, at times you feel at the absolute top of the world, living with what little time you have left to the edge, or on the contrary, your soul has simply left the building and it becomes a waiting game, while the emptiness and sadness gets the better of what’s left of your body and mind here on this earth.

When I took the first hit through my pipe, the smoke filled up my lungs and the THC ran rapidly through my body. Yet as I released, I was waiting for the sensation of being numb—from everything. I didn’t quite feel that familiar numbness I had grown fond of, however, it was more of an impassiveness sense, like, here we are again—never worse, never better. My life became a state of mind, constantly hanging my head, waiting for no tomorrow. In that instant, I unquestionably lit the lighter and let the flame burn a little longer than the usual and then directly pressed the lighter to my bare and tender skin. I wanted to feel something, feel alive and feel something other than the pains of cancer and the mental/physical shit show that it can have over me. It burned like hell and I loved every second of it. I know for that split few flashes that I was embracing what its like to have self awareness.

At this point I fear that it’s no secret to the state of mind that I have been in lately. Really, for the past several months. More recently I hardly show my face around anywhere at all. At social events I’m a ghost, with little to no urge to socialize much in general and I am living a life of solace in my own solitude.   I’ve managed to isolate myself from most things and people. It’s been a very non-organic experience for me. I was always a very social gal, loved going out, trying new things, spending time with good friends and good beer; but then over this past summer, one day, I literally just threw it all to hell. Of course it’s nothing personal to the people I know who are there for me and rooting me on, despite my lack of the friendship pact and I happen to think about these people in my life more often than you’d probably think.

So what’s my problem? The answer is, I don’t know. I’ve reached a point in my life, where I feel I have no more life. I can’t get excited to travel and see the world, because I’m not allowed to travel. I can’t throw on a pair of sexy heels and paint the town red, because I have the energy of a snail. I can’t even get my hair colored at my favorite salon, because every hair follicle feels like it’s experiencing Jurassic Park. Yes, that’s right, I referred to my head as Jurassic Park, where every hair follicle is feeling the race of survival against the dangerous creatures that roam the island. Also known as chemotherapy side effects. See, this is what I am talking about.

On a more serious note, rather than talking about the 1993 Spielberg blockbuster, I have committed to seeing my therapist on a consistent, weekly basis. She makes me feel like less of a freak show and more like a normal human being, LIVING with cancer. The whole point of life is to live it, right? Our main goal is for me to find a place of peace with fighting every day for my life and rebuilding a quality of life fit for my needs. That said; if I ignore your texts and phone calls, please know that I love you and more than ever appreciate your thoughts.   If I miss out on get-togethers and parties, which there will be, than please know I am there in spirit. Clearly there’s a lot of missing out on and lack of communication on my end that have happened and realistically will happen again. I could go on for days, but at the end of the day, please know I’ve pulled away for my own reasons, fears and doubts about life and not a single thing is at all personal. My therapist and I are working away at rebuilding what I have destroyed and working towards a happier me, in the face of cancer or depression. As for my own personal goal, I hope to back off from being such a “puffale”.

I’m fortunate enough that in my times of reclusiveness, I have had two very dear friends spend their hard earned dollars to visit me in the month of October, as well as a group of friends that when I say I’m too sick to stick to our Saturday night plans, they come over and we enjoy a night in with pizza and games. My lovely family, too, which when I say jump, they ask how high and a husband who has taken on this challenge of caring for me, which I can honestly say is probably the most annoying job in the world. Cancer is truly not what’s scary, or all of the niceties that it brings forward in it’s war path; it is being alive and not knowing what to do with it.

My point is, I am so happy that Brittany Maynard has shared her brave story and shed some light on #deathwithdignity. Also, happy that I am finally reaching out on my blog to say hello—it’s such a warm and happy feeling to write again. I’m not going to lie and say that I’ll be writing all that much, but it’s certainly a part of my goals and sharing my very own story, one again via Be Still My Heart Blog.

In the meantime, avoid doing as I have by becoming a puffale, or burning yourself with lighters to feel alive. But, continue to live your lives as you do—free yourself from vanity, fear and embrace your soul fully.

On that note, I am off to take a scorching hot bubble bath, before I drink two dollar beers and spend the evening dressed up as the scariest Halloween costume of all—me.

Cheers and love always. x

Love, Britt x

∞ Life’s Too Short: 5 THINGS ∞

Dive In...

We’ve all said it more times than we can count, “life’s too short…” However, life also happens and it is very difficult to set time aside from our busy lives to do what makes us truly happy.

Question for you- if the Doctor told you that you had six months to live, what would you do differently?

Being that I am in a cancerous blunder at the moment, I can’t help but fear that the Doctor is going to relay that news each time I see her.  I know she isn’t, of course, but stranger things have happened.  With that said, it got me to thinkin’…what would I do differently starting now?

Here are a few items that I summoned up and I am making it a personal challenge to uphold myself to standing by them:

1:  Throw away the “bucket list

Instead of talking about the proverbial “bucket list”, scratch that and get a “TO-DO” list.  That’s right, just like the to-do’s of “today I must clean” or “pick up the dry-cleaning”.   Switch it up and incorporate things on your to-do list that you simply must do, i.e.- skydive over the Grand Canyon or eat an exotic food.   DO IT.  Put it on that “TO-DO” list and make it a priority instead of an option

   2:  Pick your battles

It’s so simple to get caught up on every little thing that you find annoying .  Not to mention, maintaining the decency to not scream from the rooftops can be difficult to say the least.  If someone or something is getting on your nerves wish them love and light and then get back to that important TO-DO list of yours!

 3.  Smile at everyone, they’ll think you’re crazy

The truth is, you never know the battle that somebody else is facing.  A smile can change the world (sounds cheesy, I know).  If I were in my last few moments of life, I would smile at as many people as possible, so that I may die knowing that I may have brought a smile or happiness to at least one person’s face in return.  Besides, if the worst they can think is that you are crazy then so be it.  Better to be crazy and smiling than crazy and frowning.

 4:   Stop and smell the roses, the rain and freshly cut grass

Roses, rain and freshly cut grass; three of my all time favorite smells.  They each put me in the BEST mood.  But, my point here is that you should stop to do what you love, even if it’s something mediocre and small.  One of my favorite things to do on a Saturday is go to the flower shop and buy myself fresh flowers (now if only it would rain immediately after and then someone would cut the lawn.)  But, it’s just a little something I do, just for me and it brings me the utmost happiness. 

5:  Tell them…

In a less-creepy sort of way, tell the people in your life how you feel about them (daily).  All jokes aside, we never know what tomorrow brings; therefore, if you love someone tell them.  It’s plain and simple.  Always leave that person(s) knowing how you feel about them…just in case you never have the opportunity to tell them again.


 I hope this has some juices flowing and you can start to think of things you’d do differently.  I encourage you all to think about it and start today, for tomorrow is not always promised.


Britt x

✔ Week #1 Chemo Update- VLOG 9/05/2013

Yesterday marked my first full week of chemo treatment.  I have created a “VLOG” for a few updates on the side effects and overall journey of week #1!

[vimeo http://vimeo.com/73902484 w=500&h=281]


Britt x