I F*CKING LOVE MY GIRLFRIENDS!

Posted on June 19, 2015 by BeStillMyHeartBlog

If you drink too much, cuss too much and have questionable morals, you are probably my friend. Okay, all jokes aside, I don’t take the time often enough to say “I F*CKING LOVE MY GIRLFRIENDS!” and the thing is, I do. I’ve always been one of those lucky ducks when it comes to friends, whether past or present, I’ve always had solid girlfriends of all shapes, sizes and opinions. Absolutely there have been a few sour apples in the mix, but the rest of the batch has been unmatched.

After going through the trenches of cancer for the past two years, I realize that I have not been the greatest girlfriend in return. I’m notorious for forgetting to respond to text messages, I make plans and bail and even sometimes become self consumed with my own, crazy life that I don’t spend enough time expressing interest in yours. Yet all the while, without a doubt I still get love and you never fail to leave me off the invite list, even though you know I most likely won’t leave my house (((because, because))) and we can go days, weeks, months and even at times a whole year without spending more than an hour together, but at the drop of a hat I know you’d be there.

This one is for my girls;

Thank you for keeping it real when I have a tendency to do the most ridiculous things or have the most outlandish ideas. I come to you because I know you are wise and honest and will always have my best interest at heart.

To my friends that are now Mom’s — GOD BLESS YOU! None of you will ever truly know how in awe I am of you. I can barely remember to brush my hair and take my crazy pills and yet you manage to not only take the best care of your kid(s), but you also look crazy beautiful and effortless while doing it. I endlessly praise you!

To my friends who have traveling souls, you may not realize this but as a cancer patient I live vicariously. I have been very fortunate to be able to travel even going to Hawaii and the UK just this year, but it’s difficult due to energy levels, treatments, etc. It’s so lovely to see photos or hear stories of your travels, its beautiful to see the thirst people have for adventure and living life to its fullest and the way you see the world is wildly contagious and inspiring.

To all my #Girlboss friends out there, no matter what profession you are in, you work damn hard and deserve it all. Your insane ability to manage squillions of things at once and be on point as a friend is beyond me. Get it!

The fearless friends that hone in on things they love to do and put effort into practicing their craft. With having the attention span of a fly and the energy of a snail, the fact that, unlike me, you take the time to run a marathon or belly dance at the nearest coffee shop means you took the time to learn something, to better yourself and immerse yourself into your passions. How truly motivating, I mean, really.

My point is, I’ve been blessed with friends from all ends of the earth and all walks of life. We may not talk everyday or laugh over brunch and a mimosa(sss) on a regular basis, but in some way you all do what you do and still manage to be a brilliant friend. So, I guess what I am trying to say is, THANKS. On days that are a bit darker than others, I can still smile knowing that I can call the most kick ass babes, my friends.

Cheers, GIRLS!

A BROAD, ABROAD WITH A BLOG, ✈

Posted on May 8, 2015 by BeStillMyHeartBlog

Hello, my shining moonbeams. It’s been a minute. Within that minute I have entered what I feel to be a new phase in my life, a freeing phase that is catapulted by happiness. For nearly a month, I spent time across the pond and rediscovered my life and the things I want out of it.

To start off, wow. Can I just say – I LOVE ENGLAND! I’ve always known that and I had been there times before, but this time felt different. As most of you know, if you follow my story, I have been on travel lock down since my cancer diagnosis in the summer of 2013. By nature I am a jetsetter. I enjoy being in unknown places, without being attached to my “real” life and the troubles within. When I travel, there is a certain romance to it, a freedom that allows you to be whomever you want and for me, that is living without a terminal illness. I’m able to go back to being me; an adventurer with thirst in my blood for worldly experiences. When I was diagnosed, I felt that one of the biggest losses to having cancer was the fact that I could no longer be as free as I wished to be. My citizen of the world passport would no longer apply and I’d be stuck doing treatment after treatment without an escape. My escape had become writing. If I were no longer going to be able to leave and experience life, then I’d write about it, which I have.

This year, 2015, I vowed to myself that it would be different than the last two, that I would yet again spread my wings and live a little. In the beginning of the year I approached my Doctor and pleaded for some independence from my chemotherapy week after week, to which she obliged and advised that 2015 could be my year of travel with chemo squeezed in between. It was the best news I had heard in quite some time and immediately booked a trip to Hawaii with Steve-O and planned the trip for Nan and I go travel to the UK together to attend my beautiful cousin’s wedding and share laughs and love with the family over there that we don’t get to see often enough.

The trip was so important to me and I wanted to ensure that I soaked everything in. My Nan in her very own way was my wish-granting factory, as she made the trip happen. Being that we were returning to her home town, I was fortunate enough to visit her previous homes, where she grew up, the house she was born in, the hospital she had my Mum and Auntie Bev in, where my Granddad went to college, where the two of them were married and so much more. Being able to experience England through her eyes was more than my hearts desire and something I will never be able to thank her enough for.

There were endless amounts of stories, laughs, fish and chips, tea and best of all time with family on both my Nan’s side and my Granddad’s side. My roots are in full force over there and it was lovely to get to know that side of myself so much more. The posh wedding of my cousin, which we attended, has built memories that will last a life time, as well as traveling to Chester, Liverpool and all over the Wirral with my cousin’s and their other halves, of course also visiting London with the best company and seeing each and every friend and family member. Howls were had, love was expressed and England will forever hold the key to my heart. Quite literally, as Nan and I locked our love on Albert Dock in Liverpool and threw the key into the River Mersey. Our loved ones can continue to visit us in Liverpool, even though we may not physically be there, our spirit will always remain.

Since I’ve been back I have been reliving each moment in my head and finding it difficult to write about. My time spent there was so special, that it is difficult to express. I feel rejuvenated and feel I have a new sense of direction for my life. Suddenly gears have started moving upon my return and from that, fresh goals have emerged. I’m super excited about the future and what it holds and as things get closer, I’ll share more deets.

In the meantime, check out some photos from my trip and watch out for some upcoming projects and collabos. Big Kiss x.

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UKTRIP1

Normality…

Posted on August 26, 2014 by BeStillMyHeartBlog

At this point, I am sure you’ve all realized that I am terrible at keeping promises; i.e. updating my blog regularly as vowed. I wish I were here to tell you that I was living life on the wild side, out there in the world doing once in a lifetime things, but instead of that I’ve been doing just the opposite; I have been living life in normalcy.

Normalcy is something that for a while was far out of my reach. It felt as though that anything “normal” left the day of my diagnosis, which it did in a way. Yet, now I am discovering more and more normality. I’ve been keeping quite busy- spending time with family, friends, throwing my husband a dirty-thirty pool party and continuing to be inspired by everyday things that cross my path. Although I haven’t been writing much as of late, my inspiration for general things has been transcendent. My mind somehow has been opened wide and I feel as though I am experiencing every fiber of what life is about; to be happy, even if that means being normal.

While still working on my book about my journey with cancer, I am a little “cancer-ed” out at the moment. I suppose that is in some way a good thing, cancer is no longer consuming all of my thoughts. That said, I will be taking a brief break from that and will also be starting a fictional novel. Updates on that to come!

On another note, tomorrow is my third chemo round (2.3). So far this journey with the levels of posion have not been terrible. Certainly not wonderful, or what I look forward to every other week for 3 day each time, but it’s all about mind over matter. This time I have gone into it knowing what to expect and essentially showing it whose boss in this situation. After all, it is my body- why shouldn’t I be in charge? The symptoms have been minimal, the regular aches and pains, increase in neuropathy (you’d think I ought to be used to that by now) and then some night sweats, which I had never experienced prior. Needless to say, I am grateful that the side effects are bearable and I am just plugging along, enjoying life.

As this particular blog is semi-all-over-the-place, I will share some pictures from Steve’s 30th Birthday party this past weekend, as well as a challenge, taking place on Facebook regarding positivity and gratitude. I challenge all of you to do the same, even if not on social media, but for yourself, to take a minute to reflect on what you’re thankful for and/or positive things happening in your life.

Cheers- talk soon xx

“Holy Shit You’re Old” – Compliments to #UrbanOutfitters for the banner ♡

FLOATS, FLOATS, FLOTS and gigantic balloons. This picture is dreamy!

Vixens

Who doesn’t love a pineapple dressed up in flamingo sunnies?!?!

Sunset

BIGGGGGG

BEST.CAKE.EVER
CRED: Allison Langa

No he’s not naked!

Piñata

Candy and shooters!

Reunited at last!

My love ♡

#creepy

Fireball Whisky

Auntie Bev ♡

Positivity Challenge:

I Get By With a Little Help From My Friends…♡

Posted on May 1, 2014 by BeStillMyHeartBlog

Over the last few days, I have opened my computer excitedly with thousands of thoughts that I wanted to bring to life through my words. Each time I looked at a blank page, paired with the blinking cursor, the thoughts were swirling through my head, but I’ve failed to be able to commit to the words that usually come so easily to me. It’s been a week and a half since I was told that my cancer has departed, for now. Within each second of every day, I have been trying to wrap my head around what this means and how I will move forward with my life, a life that will now be of quality, which was the goal all along. They say that pigeons swiftly acquaint the pushing of a lever with reaping a reward. With that, the pigeons continue to push the lever and every 30 seconds receive the reward of food, leaving the pigeons to wonder what they have done to be worthy of the gift. I am like the pigeon. What did I do to be rewarded this second chance at life; remission?

Often times when you are in the middle of a battle, whether it is war, a natural disaster, a violent attack or other life-threatening events, you become so focused on fighting back that you don’t take the time to also tend to the mental struggles that the battle brings forth. For almost a year, I had a specific map to which I had to follow in order to finish the race. Each step was pertinent to my recovery and my concentration was specifically on the cancer, my tumors and working tirelessly to physically rid my body of this ugly disease. Undeniably, I put my fists up and thrived to oppose my reality as a cancer patient, yet I aborted the fact that there were mental struggles that needed to be worked out as well.

During my last stint in the hospital, shortly after I found out about my “remission”, my Doctor felt it necessary to have a heart to heart. Having gone through this journey and trusting her with my life, I was open to anything she had to say. As she cleared her throat, she proceeded to praise me for being strong through all of the events that had taken place in the last several months, but then ensued to advise me that although I had been compliant with showing up to appointments, foregoing with all of my MRIs and scans, as well as chemotherapy, I was non-compliant when it came to dealing with the psychological aspects of cancer. The Doctor reminded me that it is nearly impossible to go through such a harrowing event and come out unscathed. Initially I was cross about her uprightness. In my mind, I was an A+ cancer patient and assumed that because I wasn’t seeking help, it meant that I was handling and managing my diagnosis like a champ. After all, I had a wonderful support system, the best family and friends and my blog, which allowed me to write my feelings and connect with so many others in a similar situation. What I didn’t realize was that once the appointments, chemo sessions and anything cancer related ended, I would find myself in a pool of psychological problems.

Nearly every day since I have been advised of my disease free state, I have failed to feel the happiness that I had expected to feel upon achieving this type of news. Suddenly, I felt as though I was dropped off on an Island, somewhere in the middle of the deep blue sea and rescue was nowhere in sight. Every time I had these feelings of gloom, it would immediately be followed up by a surmounting level of guilt; here I am, now in a temporary remission and fortunate enough to get back to life and I was feeling unsatisfied. What kind of ungrateful person must I be? I asked myself over and over again.

As the weekend approached, Steve had setup a get together with all of my friends to celebrate my new found freedom from cancer and an overall celebration of life; he called it Remission Celebration. I had been looking forward to a night out with all of my wonderful friends and supporters in one place and through my cloudy thoughts of the week leading up to it, the thought of the celebration kept me together. Arriving at the destination for the celebration, I became eager to kick off my heels and have a perfect night. The bar was packed and as I looked through the crowd, most of the people were there for me. I was in awe of how many wonderful, supportive people I had in my corner and suddenly it all made sense. It may not be clear as to why I was given this second chance, but I will gladly accept the reward.

In the meantime, I realize that I have a lot of healing to do and seeking out help does not make you weak. It is my goal to get busy living. I may not be the person that I was prior to my diagnosis and I doubt I will ever be that person again, for I have transformed in so many ways, but just the same I want to enjoy every second that this life has to offer. Through some heavy soul searching and self-acceptance, I am certain that I will find my purpose and the reason why I have been given the wonderful opportunity to be ALIVE.

Thank you again to all of my incredible friends who helped me to celebrate my great news, as well as my family for being endless backers. I will continue to keep the blog updated with my thoughts and happenings. Cheers, loves!

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☠ So, la da di da di… WE LIKE TO PARTY ☠

Posted on August 19, 2013 by BeStillMyHeartBlog

Lately, it has been challenging not to sense some form of disconnect with friends, as my time is well spent visiting numerous Doctor’s each week, “friend time” unfortunately takes a backseat. It’s times like these that you become more appreciative of your friends, as well. In particularly, our friend Fletch had his 28^th Birthday party on Saturday and I couldn’t have been more enthusiastic to attend. Being surrounded by friends, all in one place, catching up and ultimately having the BEST banter and laughs is truly the cure to all that ails you.

Happy Birthday, Fletch!