A BROAD, ABROAD WITH A BLOG, ✈

Hello, my shining moonbeams. It’s been a minute. Within that minute I have entered what I feel to be a new phase in my life, a freeing phase that is catapulted by happiness. For nearly a month, I spent time across the pond and rediscovered my life and the things I want out of it.

To start off, wow. Can I just say – I LOVE ENGLAND! I’ve always known that and I had been there times before, but this time felt different. As most of you know, if you follow my story, I have been on travel lock down since my cancer diagnosis in the summer of 2013. By nature I am a jetsetter. I enjoy being in unknown places, without being attached to my “real” life and the troubles within. When I travel, there is a certain romance to it, a freedom that allows you to be whomever you want and for me, that is living without a terminal illness. I’m able to go back to being me; an adventurer with thirst in my blood for worldly experiences. When I was diagnosed, I felt that one of the biggest losses to having cancer was the fact that I could no longer be as free as I wished to be. My citizen of the world passport would no longer apply and I’d be stuck doing treatment after treatment without an escape. My escape had become writing. If I were no longer going to be able to leave and experience life, then I’d write about it, which I have.

This year, 2015, I vowed to myself that it would be different than the last two, that I would yet again spread my wings and live a little. In the beginning of the year I approached my Doctor and pleaded for some independence from my chemotherapy week after week, to which she obliged and advised that 2015 could be my year of travel with chemo squeezed in between. It was the best news I had heard in quite some time and immediately booked a trip to Hawaii with Steve-O and planned the trip for Nan and I go travel to the UK together to attend my beautiful cousin’s wedding and share laughs and love with the family over there that we don’t get to see often enough.

The trip was so important to me and I wanted to ensure that I soaked everything in. My Nan in her very own way was my wish-granting factory, as she made the trip happen. Being that we were returning to her home town, I was fortunate enough to visit her previous homes, where she grew up, the house she was born in, the hospital she had my Mum and Auntie Bev in, where my Granddad went to college, where the two of them were married and so much more. Being able to experience England through her eyes was more than my hearts desire and something I will never be able to thank her enough for.

There were endless amounts of stories, laughs, fish and chips, tea and best of all time with family on both my Nan’s side and my Granddad’s side.   My roots are in full force over there and it was lovely to get to know that side of myself so much more. The posh wedding of my cousin, which we attended, has built memories that will last a life time, as well as traveling to Chester, Liverpool and all over the Wirral with my cousin’s and their other halves, of course also visiting London with the best company and seeing each and every friend and family member. Howls were had, love was expressed and England will forever hold the key to my heart. Quite literally, as Nan and I locked our love on Albert Dock in Liverpool and threw the key into the River Mersey. Our loved ones can continue to visit us in Liverpool, even though we may not physically be there, our spirit will always remain.

Since I’ve been back I have been reliving each moment in my head and finding it difficult to write about. My time spent there was so special, that it is difficult to express. I feel rejuvenated and feel I have a new sense of direction for my life.   Suddenly gears have started moving upon my return and from that, fresh goals have emerged. I’m super excited about the future and what it holds and as things get closer, I’ll share more deets.

In the meantime, check out some photos from my trip and watch out for some upcoming projects and collabos. Big Kiss x.

Follow me on Instagram for daily updates: bestillmyheartblog

UKTRIP16

UKTRIP15

UKTRIP14

UKTRIP14

UKTRIP13

UKTRIP12

UKTRIP11

UKTRIP10

UKTRIP9

UKTRIP8

UKTRIP7

UKTRIP6

UKTRIP5

UKTRIP1

UKTRIP3

UKTRIP2

                 UKTRIP1

Love, Britt x

Advertisements

Cancer & Reality TV⁈

#RealityTV for #Cancer I #BSMHB #BeStillMyHeartBlog I www.BeStillMyHeartBlog.wordpress.com

I awoke from a dead sleep last night, I sprung out of bed and immediately my mind began to race with thoughts of my future and my future endeavors.  It dawned on me that we live in a world of television shows like “16 and Pregnant”, “Teen Mom” and “True Life”.  Don’t get it twisted, I find those shows entertaining, a guilty pleasure of sorts and I get the value of attempting to bring awareness to teen pregnancy and young parenthood and as far as “True Life” is concerned, I enjoy watching True Life:  I’m a Sex Addict or True Life:  I’m Famous Online, but can you think of any specified reality/docu shows that cater to the community of Young Cancer Patients?  Doubtful.  Cancer is such a taboo subject, everyone knows about it, but not enough cancer patients bullhorn for charting that no one goes unaware of the disease, the risks that they are up against and the differentiating clamor that there is a variance between dying of cancer and LIVING with cancer.

That’s when the light bulb turned it’s incandescent electric upon me; I should pitch a Reality/Docu series that focuses on Young Cancer Patients and much like the shows listed above, attempt to bring value to the awareness and power that cancer may have on our lives.  Showcase the nitti gritty, the bold and the beautiful and all things that encompass a cancer diagnosis, particularly those diagnosed at a young age.  Highlight the vast battles and the tiny triumphs, the tears and the fears, the laughs and the cry’s.  This of course would be coupled with the day to day life of a young cancer patient, just like their “normal” fellow constituents that are out their trying to conquer the world one day at a time, one drama on the line and the difference between existing and LIVING.

Now, I know absolutely nothing about the world of television, except that I am a sucker for watching it.  However, with enough research and contacts, I hope that this night awakening idea can come into fruition.  Awareness, awareness, awareness.  If we can watch teen mom’s fight with their baby daddy and sex addicts go to Malibu rehab centers, then we can certainly view a twenty-something cancer patient fighting for life and the journey it takes to stay alive to learn, love, grow, observe and mainly bring light to a subject that is not on the forefront of our youth.

I cannot share the “Pitch” in which I have written, as I have to get a Patten from the Writer’s Guild of America, but if you or someone you know has any ideas or helpful information on how this process works, please share and contact me.  I will be eternally grateful.  Let’s do this together and make it happen!

Love,

Britt x

The Thing Is…

I should kick off by stating a fact; a pretty crier, I am not.  So for what it’s worth, my advance apologies for the moaning face in which is portrayed in the above video.

A woman found out today, after eight years of battling cancer, that she is now cancer free.  The look on her face, the sound in her voice and her smile from ear to ear illuminated the sense of triumph and resilience that she must have felt.  Her feat with cancer had finally concluded and with a warm embrace, everyone in the chemotherapy clinic clapped for her, cheered her on and collectively shared her victory against the disease that we are all there battling.

On the contrary, as I sat in the Pepto-Bismol colored chair, I felt as though my surmounting crusade against cancer would never come to a close.  I felt elated for the strong, brave woman whom had fought tirelessly, but reluctantly felt that I would never have the same sensation of cheerfulness in being cancer free.  The thought of ever standing in front of the other patients, gallantly disclosing that cancer would no longer be a part of my life seemed like a hard-wearing disillusion.

Something in me today could not face the blinding light of what my future looks like.  Everything about the future, my future seemed like a hard one to know.  The aspects of my life in which typically are marked in stone, slowly chipped away today and my spirituality was shook to the core.  Questioning the why behind my condition and knowing that I may never know the answer as to why this is all happening, left me cross, cold and the logic that I typically hold, washed away as though it never existed in the first place.

In the quiet of my mind, I can’t help but beg to understand why each and every person in that chemotherapy room has to go through such pain and suffering.  The darkness descended and I relished in the unbearable thoughts of the unknown.

I’m sure anyone who goes through something life altering has questions as to why.  I know I am not the only one.  I can only hope that there is a bigger plan in place.  Something astounding that will make this all worthwhile.  I’m not looking to be rewarded for the endurance that this is taking, but merely looking for my purpose and the purpose that this disease has in my life.

Until next time…

Love,

Britt x

❝ F*CK Cancer, I’m Getting a Tattoo…❞

When you have to walk up the highest mountain, sometimes from the bottom it appears much different and your journey from the bottom to the top can bring a collection of diverse outlooks.  When you are at the bottom, you start off feeling pumped up, ready for the challenge.  As you get closer to the middle you may become faintly worn-out, ready to give up and wanting to turn back around, for going down is always much leisurelier than the uphill climb.  Then alas, as you creep towards the top you may be beat, but you feel a sense of accomplishment, you’re almost there and ready to see the magnificence that the uppermost peak has to offer, along with the journey it took to get there; an appreciation.

During my routine check up with my Oncologist yesterday, she explained that being that my cancer diagnosis is Stage IV “incurable”, I would always be a cancer patient and sadly always have to undergo some form of chemotherapy treatments for the rest of my life.  Initially this information left me shocked, gob-smacked and baffled.  How does six months of chemo treatment turn into a lifetime?  Does she suddenly know more than I have previously been privy to? Tears immediately spout out of my tired eyes. However, the Doctor then proceeded to educate me on the why behind her words.  You see, when you have been dubbed with Stage IV “incurable” cancer, there is a much higher risk that the cancer cells will form over periods of time and staying on chemo, a less aggressive chemo after my initial treatment will serve as a means of a preventative, a potential cancer circumvent.

It sounds outlandish, but I’d much prefer to be on some form of chemo for the rest of my eternity, versus the alternative to not be here at all to enjoy life, love and happiness.  If today taught me anything, it was that it is easy to have an idea in your head of how you think things will turn out.  Once that seed has been planted, it makes the blow much more trying when it doesn’t always go as planned or projected.

That’s why you have to do the unexpected.   Today after I heard that news and once my initial self-pity wore off, I decided to live spontaneously and get an impromptu tattoo.  Tattoos in my family are seen as taboo, but one particular tattoo in general was calling my name and I knew it would bring me peace and serenity every time I looked at my wrist.  That said, my tattoo of choice was an evil eye protector, to protect me against my personal evil, which is cancer.

As it turns out, I may have Stage IV incurable cancer, I may have to be on chemo for life but I am the happiest I have ever been in all of my life.  I know that I have an uphill battle to climb, but I truly believe that I will reach the highest peak of that mountain and gasp at the wondrous journey that it took me to get there.

Love,

Britt x

You, You, You, You…YOU ☚ ☚ ☚

IMG_3969

Cancer in all of it’s varying masks has the predisposition to inflict havoc on all areas within one’s life; mind, body, soul.  The all-consuming veneer that is the disease attires a masquerade, shadowing your every move until there is nothing left to do other than reveal itself in its entirety, in its whole hearted completeness.  Once this illustration of pretenses occurs and are no longer concealed under the cheap surface, we are left but with the raw aptitude that this malady brings forth.

In my case, my cancer hid away from me for what I believe to be years.  That was until one day, it decided it didn’t want to hide behind concealment any longer.  Within a transitory moment, my world went from being cancer-less to cancer-full.  With that comes a lot of altering sentiments, but more than anything cancer becomes the center of your world and you instantaneously begin to orbit around it.

Diminutively, prior to the recent change in events and the cancer diagnosis, I was unknowingly feeding into the cancer; already orbiting myself around it, while it wore it’s camouflage and prepared for terror on my body.  It weighed me down, made me less of a person and to be frank complacent with the mediocre nuances of life.   Then, once it undisguised itself and I became aware of the cancer, it suddenly took over in another fashion, but this time being Doctor’s appointments, subjects of conversation and the incessant nagging in my brain telling me that “Hey, just a reminder, you have cancer…”  

Even while I sleep, I am retold that I have cancer.  It becomes something that you live and breathe.  On the other side of the spectrum, it also may have the tendency to engage you in egotistical behaviors.  Suddenly, everything is about the cancer, you have the cancer, therefore everything is about you.  If you aren’t careful, it can clout your thoughts on that and that alone.  At appointments you are naturally talking about you, when catching up with friends or family they care enough to want to talk about you, strangers on the street see you with a fusion pack and they want to talk about you.  You, you, you, you.  YOU can’t get enough of you or rather AWAY from you.  

After the first few days undergoing my chemotherapy treatments and awaking from my fog, my Nan decided it would be a good idea to head up to the pines and simply get away.  What I really wanted was to get away from ME.  I spent the last four days in beautiful 60-degree weather, enjoyed the smell of rain and was able to escape from the world, but most of all myself.  It was an opportunity for me to engross myself in anything but my cancer and take a breather from talking about it with Doctor’s, friends and yes, even myself.

My point is, everyone in my life means the world to me and they are always asking how I am and I’ve realized that through cancer I have some of the most amazing people supporting me in my life; despite my diagnosis.  What I want to ensure I work on throughout this process is supporting those people, too and realizing that even though my reality right now is everything cancer, it is not everyone else’s.  I am vowing to not let the cancer consume me, but let me consume it.  Instead, orbit around my family and friends and show cancer that with or without a mask, I am not ducking from it’s disparity.  I am standing up to cancer and there will be a day when I am able to relish in things outside of this hideous disease and myself.

Love,

Britt x