Nothings Gonna Change My World: Book Update

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While I have been talking about penning my story for some time, I finally feel that I am in a place to share how I have been connecting the dots to my narrative and how the experiences in my life has been in a constant state of motion, all in an effort to tell me something about myself. Speaking to how the veil was lifted and how I have leaned into the storm, although I’ve known there’s been much to fear. Share my roots that are deep and true and an understanding as to why I speak with an accent or two. How the power of credence has been absorbed due to the distresses and how suffering only comes when you yearn for things to be different. In its place, focusing on illuminating a little bit of my soul; with an introduction beyond my normal sentences about cancer. Like, what came before my diagnosis, and the valleys and mountains it has taken to get me here, a place to share my “Once Upon a Time.”

It is in the outline/transcribing process at the moment, but nevertheless in progress. Please stay tuned for more updates as I continue my novella.

-Nothings Gonna Change My World-

-Britt xx

 

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Chemo Butterflies: Finding Your Well-Being

 As I closed my eyes last night, I had the butterflies. You know, the rush of what’s to come with the new day ahead. Like going to Disneyland or the thrill of waking up on Christmas morning, anticipation met with flutters. Naturally I knew that the following day I would have to wake up and begin chemo yet again, but I was greeted with those same feelings. A bizarre excitement but nonetheless, I am that girl that shows up and never gives up. The girl that believes anything is possible and willing to work damn hard for it.

There I was the following morning at 7:45a. The sun splashed into every dark thought I had on the way to the clinic. I was in an accepting mind frame that made me realize that I must be grateful for the means at my disposal, to work out my destiny. It was also so clearly apparent on the drive to Mayo Clinic, that I have been given a mind and will power for this very purpose. Chemo is not my enemy; chemo is in fact my saving grace, my hero, my best friend.

Certain experiences have an affect on you, as does all experiences in life.   When the experiences are forged by the wisdom of pain, it can be a total awakening, opening your eyes, and naturally restructuring you. When you have that, I truly believe that the universe aligns you with what you need in that moment, raising your vibration to see things clearly and allowing you to see what is beneficial to your well-being. For me, that is chemotherapy.

It might not be a dream job, but it’s what is going to hold those vile tumors at bay and for that, sign me up. Of course, ego kicks in and some of the side affects are not so glamorous, one being an “acne like rash.” Seemingly they have creams and things to manage it, however it makes me giggle. The one nice thing that I have had since having cancer is my appearance. Not in vain way, but in the sense that I can slap on a cute outfit, some lippie and look healthy and alive, even with my buzz cut. However, this just sounds painful and I have to avoid the sun like a bat. Yet, somehow at the end of the day, none of that rubbish matters. I’d rather have a face full of acne or rashes and be around, than the alternative.

Immediately when the chemotherapy hit my veins it was an instant peace of mind. The venom that is going to get those bastard tumors and cells was now running free inside of me. Hell was about to be raised and to my surprise my Oncologist also added an immunotherapy drug which fights for your white blood cells/immunity to stay tip top, while also targeting the specific areas wherein the tumors reside. On the other hand, the chemotherapy will be attacking all of the cells and with the two combined; the battle in my guts will be under brutal attack. It was a long day, but I tolerated it like a champ, other than a bit of fatigue.

Healing is not linear; I will of course have my bad days as I go through this yet again. I was born to do hard things and I will never forget how far I have come, all of the things I have gotten through, all the times I’ve pushed on even when it seemed impossible. All the times that getting out of bed seemed like lassoing the moon and when I wanted to give up, but got through yet another day and another. And at the end of my day today, it truly was my version of Disneyland or Christmas morning, for it’s giving me the best gift, which is my life.

PS- I felt all of the love and vibes today — thank you to all! xx

Britt xx

Love Is All You Need: Life Expectancy

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We’ve all played the game, “If you were given six months to live, what would you do? Would you live your life any differently than you do today? Everyone seems to think that they would. They picture themselves buying that plane ticket to their most desired destination, soak up every minute with family and friends and literally, to quote Tim McGraw, “Live Like You Were Dying.” And perhaps it’s just an entirely personal experience and other people may do things otherwise. But, the truth is, you don’t know what you would actually do when you are essentially living within that actuality — there are circumstances, particularly within health issues that may prevent you from checking off some of those “bucket list” items.

Speaking from experience in that department, I have been given life expectancy timelines since the beginning of my cancer career. I’ve defied all of the odds so far and quite frankly passed some huge milestones given my condition and situation. Lucky doesn’t even begin to describe my fortune. Yet, that doesn’t change how it feels when you are given a number, a numerical suspense for the rest of your life. It punches you in the gut, leaving you winded, EVERY.DAMN.TIME.

I learned today that I truly shouldn’t ask any questions if I am not prepared for the answer. Being that I start chemo on Wednesday, I had a touch base appointment with my Oncologist to discuss my last hospital stay, my gastro tube, the TPN (refer to previous blogs for info), as well as chemo. For days I had been thinking of asking him how much time he expects that I have, it has plagued my thoughts and my dreams and the answer was something that I thought would bring me a bit of peace.

To my disappointment, when I asked for the 100th time in the last four years, what my life expectancy looked like at this stage and point, I was met with a number I wasn’t prepared to greet. My generous and brilliant Doctor obliged and told me very pointedly that if I do not respond to chemotherapy this go around, then my future looks pretty grim.

Six to twelve months were the words out of his mouth.

After the initial shock to my heart wore off, I leaned over to my lovely mother in-law and said, “That means I could be gone by Christmas.” In an instant everything seemed so bleak. While my hopes quickly vanished, my fears began to take charge over my mind.

What will Steve do? He will be a widower at such a devastatingly young age! Will Zoila be okay without me? What about my family, watching my siblings grow and my friends who have become family?

 Swiftly my mind raced with too many questions that I didn’t have the answers for. These are all very real things and it made me realize that none of the things I feared were materialistic. This coming from a girl that practically sold her soul for a YSL purse a few weeks ago (pix on insta). Rather, all of the things that I distress over are all because of love. It comes down to the people you love and care about in this world, and in my case my baby Zoila. When my day finally arrives, I won’t be concerned over the latest iPhone or YSL bag, but instead whether or not I showed the people I cherish the vast amount of love I feel for them and to be loved just the same. Treating others as you’d like to be treated, treasuring the time you have on earth and realizing that we, everything is all connected.

Time is strictly earth bound and we are only given so much of it. Some more than others, but I believe that no matter the time frame I am given, I will fight this until the bitter end. Thus far I have refused to go down without a fight and I don’t plan on it this time around either.

Chemo is definitely kicking off next Wednesday and I can tell you that I don’t plan on going anywhere in the next year. To answer your question, I don’t have a list of things that I must do before I pass. In the end it’s only love that counts. Love is all you need.

 PS: I have been fiercely working away at my book, so stay tuned.

Love,

Britt xx

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Alternative Perspective: Cancer Update

c3e53bd414afd33598432884f003101aAt times I feel I have such a casual approach to cancer and other times I’m in complete hysteria, where it plagues my every thought. Tonight is one of those nights.

When I had my hysterectomy in December I was supposed to be completely gutted, at least from a gynecological perspective.  Yet, due to the surgeon that performed my hysterectomy (not the GI surgeon, whom I loved) unbeknownst to me, until recently, he made the decision not to remove my cervix.  With my history of colorectal cancer, it tends to be attracted as far as metastasis to the gynecological areas; therefore the cervix should have been included when I had the hysterectomy.  In my humble opinion, I believe that it was left in an effort to have another operation down the line, thus requiring another insurance claim, leading to more money for the Doctor.  Simply disgusting, if you ask me.  It’s not fact, but simply an opinion.

With this, I consulted with my current Oncologist at Mayo who respectfully agreed towards the subject matter.  From there I was referred to a Gynecology Oncologist to determine if a surgery would even be applicable being that I am currently undergoing my third round of chemotherapy treatment.  An operation could mean a number of things, causing high risk and putting me in danger of not being able to administer treatment as needed. Expressing my concerns to the Doctor for the fact that my cancer seems to be attracted to those areas of my body, as well as having my worst nightmare in December and never wanting to be in that situation again.

The thing is, prior to December, I knew something was wrong.  I pushed and pushed and kept telling my previous Doctor that something was wrong and that I should have been on treatment only to be told I was practically insane.  No one knows your body better than you and that is a lesson I have come to learn all too well.  Always trust your gut.  But with that, this time around I wasn’t about to be dismissed.  I wanted to be heard and I actually felt that they were listening.

When I met with the Gynecology Oncologist, he confirmed that indeed my cervix was left and to his surprise, given his expertise.  Yet, he confirmed that any kind of surgery would not be wise given that going off of chemotherapy at this point in the game would be “life ending”. I have three tumors at this point that the chemo is trying to zap.

No matter how many times I hear that death could be that close never gets easy.  In fact, it gets more and more difficult.  How many times does a thirty year old have to hear she could be so close to death?

At first it didn’t quite sink in. But either way, I’m stuck.  I’m stuck with a cervix that I’m terrified my cancer will spread to and I’m stuck on chemo because the alternative is most definitely life ending.

What’s strange about it all though is that I’ve never been happier.  Things have never been clearer.  I know who I am, I know who has my back, I know what I want, I know what I have to do to get through each day and most importantly I know how to love and be loved.  Life is not so bad after all.  I’ll live with my cervix, I’ll live with having chemo because the point is that with both of those things, at least I’ll be ALIVE and living. I’ll take both of those things over the alternative any day. Sometimes you just have to put things into perspective and it just takes a little while for things to shape and shift and mold itself into a beautiful sculpture, something that you can handle looking at day after day. Cancer is something I can handle looking at and the journey is becoming less and less ugly and rather more beautiful than ever. It’s all in how you look at it.

Happy Monday. Enjoy your week, friends.

PS- My next scan will be May 4th.  I will update as soon as I have results!

-Britt xx

 

Smoking Gun: How to Get the Perfect Smokey Eye With Maybelline New York

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For most people a rock and roller smokey eye is best suited for after dark.  However, I am just the opposite, I am hysterical and I prefer smokey 24/7.  In fact, it is much more difficult for me to attempt the “natural” makeup look, as apposed to a heavier, more MAC inspired look, if not otherwise a classic red lip.

I am a firm believer that a smokey eye is a skill that every girl should have in their back pocket.  Many girls think that they have it down, but there’s a fine line between looking like a badass bitch or a raccoon.   The good news is, practice always makes perfect, if you haven’t already perfected the panda look. 💋

Here are my daily gothic steps:

  • Begin by priming your face, including your eyes.  Do not put your foundation/concealer/powder on prior to your eye makeup for this look.
  •  Utilize eyeshadow primer or an under eye concealer all over the top of your eye lid,  leading up to your brow bone.  This will act as a base coat for your smokey eyeshadow and will prevent the residue dust falling on your face throughout the day and ruining your beautiful makeup.
  •  Use a matte white or vanilla based eyeshadow as the primary base on your lid.  Brushing once again from the top of your eyelid to the bottom, utilize a liberal amount on the lower lids as it will allow for the black to be even more noir.
  • Using Maybelline Eyestudio ColorTattoo on the lower part of your lids, color from the crease line, to the lash line.
  •  Utilizing a blending brush, sweep Maybelline’s, The Rock Nudes Palette over the space  with the ColorTattoo.  Pressing and setting the eyeshadow will give you an extra dark and dramatic smokey look.
  • Sweep your under eyes with the Maybelline’s, The Rock Nudes Palette smokey eyeshadow and then the crease of your eyelid with the bronze color, to contour eyes your eyes for depth a  mysterious affect.
  • Curl and coat lashes to liking and boom!

You’re ready for your first rock solo.

Peace and love,

Britt x