Liverpool | Be Still My Heart Blog

Hello, my shining moonbeams. It’s been a minute. Within that minute I have entered what I feel to be a new phase in my life, a freeing phase that is catapulted by happiness. For nearly a month, I spent time across the pond and rediscovered my life and the things I want out of it.

To start off, wow. Can I just say – I LOVE ENGLAND! I’ve always known that and I had been there times before, but this time felt different. As most of you know, if you follow my story, I have been on travel lock down since my cancer diagnosis in the summer of 2013. By nature I am a jetsetter. I enjoy being in unknown places, without being attached to my “real” life and the troubles within. When I travel, there is a certain romance to it, a freedom that allows you to be whomever you want and for me, that is living without a terminal illness. I’m able to go back to being me; an adventurer with thirst in my blood for worldly experiences. When I was diagnosed, I felt that one of the biggest losses to having cancer was the fact that I could no longer be as free as I wished to be. My citizen of the world passport would no longer apply and I’d be stuck doing treatment after treatment without an escape. My escape had become writing. If I were no longer going to be able to leave and experience life, then I’d write about it, which I have.

This year, 2015, I vowed to myself that it would be different than the last two, that I would yet again spread my wings and live a little. In the beginning of the year I approached my Doctor and pleaded for some independence from my chemotherapy week after week, to which she obliged and advised that 2015 could be my year of travel with chemo squeezed in between. It was the best news I had heard in quite some time and immediately booked a trip to Hawaii with Steve-O and planned the trip for Nan and I go travel to the UK together to attend my beautiful cousin’s wedding and share laughs and love with the family over there that we don’t get to see often enough.

The trip was so important to me and I wanted to ensure that I soaked everything in. My Nan in her very own way was my wish-granting factory, as she made the trip happen. Being that we were returning to her home town, I was fortunate enough to visit her previous homes, where she grew up, the house she was born in, the hospital she had my Mum and Auntie Bev in, where my Granddad went to college, where the two of them were married and so much more. Being able to experience England through her eyes was more than my hearts desire and something I will never be able to thank her enough for.

There were endless amounts of stories, laughs, fish and chips, tea and best of all time with family on both my Nan’s side and my Granddad’s side. My roots are in full force over there and it was lovely to get to know that side of myself so much more. The posh wedding of my cousin, which we attended, has built memories that will last a life time, as well as traveling to Chester, Liverpool and all over the Wirral with my cousin’s and their other halves, of course also visiting London with the best company and seeing each and every friend and family member. Howls were had, love was expressed and England will forever hold the key to my heart. Quite literally, as Nan and I locked our love on Albert Dock in Liverpool and threw the key into the River Mersey. Our loved ones can continue to visit us in Liverpool, even though we may not physically be there, our spirit will always remain.

Since I’ve been back I have been reliving each moment in my head and finding it difficult to write about. My time spent there was so special, that it is difficult to express. I feel rejuvenated and feel I have a new sense of direction for my life. Suddenly gears have started moving upon my return and from that, fresh goals have emerged. I’m super excited about the future and what it holds and as things get closer, I’ll share more deets.

In the meantime, check out some photos from my trip and watch out for some upcoming projects and collabos. Big Kiss x.

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UKTRIP1

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Growing up in an all-British household, I was convinced during the first five years of my little life, that The Beatles were the British Government. This of course came before I realized that John Lennon had been shot to death in New York City, five years prior to my birth and that there was such thing as the Royal Family and the House of Parliament, amongst many other things. After all, I was growing up in America, but the initial stages of my childhood were brought upon by British traditions and anecdotes.

Generally speaking, it may have been the stories I was told from my Nan about how The Beatles hailed from the same region in which our family came from, or how she used to watch them at The Cavern Club before they took the world by storm with Beatlemania. Imaginably, I have always glorified them because my Granddad had a band called “Cheshire Cats” where he would play at The Cavern Club, in Liverpool, just before The Beatles would take the stage. Moreover, I have always had a special connection to their music and as I grow older I have the fondest of memories blaring the music with my Nan on the way to Las Vegas, or the time that my Nan, Mum, Auntie and I went to see Beatles Love Cirque Du Soleil and my Nan enlightened all of the songs and their some what political meaning they held at the time the songs were released. I have always associated The Beatles with my Nan and Granddad and that will be something I can carry with me for the rest of my life.

Yesterday, I believe that I had my most challenging chemo session to date. The Avastin once again reared it’s violent side effects on my weak body, despite taking the right measures and medications in an effort to avoid such symptoms. While I didn’t have issues specific to my heart, I did have an incredibly difficult time breathing and each breath was taken with a sense of trepidation, as I felt that with each breath, it may be my last one. Then began my old friend, the shakes. My body began to convulse and erratic shaking took place. As this was happening I was so doped up on medication that the only emotional response my body could retort was to cry in the arms of my lovely Nan. Silently, I began to talk to my Granddad who is up in heaven and asked him to keep an extra eye on me and instantly within that little whisper, Here Comes the Sun began to play in my mind as I drifted in and out of consciousness.; “…little darling, it’s been a long, cold lonely winter, it feels like years since it’s been here. Here comes the sun, here comes the sun and I say, it’s alright…”. The song continued to play, for only my ears to hear and I knew it was a sign from my Granddad that he is watching over me and that everything would be alright.

As the ingenious John Lennon once said, “…we all shine on, like the moon, and the stars, and the sun.” Thank you to my Nan for always being by my side through the fun times and the not-so fun times, you are my rock, my sunshine and to live in a world without you is unimaginable. And to my Granddad, you may not be “here”, but thank you for letting me know you are with me, standing by my side, from the other side. As for The Beatles, thank you for always providing me with a connection to my Nan and Granddad and for always being the chosen voice and sign during my times of trouble and hopelessness.

“Words are flowing out like endless rain into a paper cup, they slither wildly as they slip away across the universe. Pools of sorrow, waves of joy are drifting through my opened mind possessing and caressing me.” – The Beatles, Across The Universe

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