Fraudulently Inspiring:

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I wish I could tell you where I go when I go quiet. It’s often when I feel my walls crumbling down around me. Lately I have been struggling to find purpose in my life, but I know my weaknesses and I know my voice and writing happens to be just that. I know I shouldn’t abandon the one thing that gives me purposefulness and solace in my lowest of low. When I feel weak it builds the walls around me up , strengthening the world that I live in.

Pain has been something I’ve been dealing with lately, a lot of cracks in my everyday life that darkness seems to have been setting in much more than light. I’ve needed to find my way back to my latest disgrace. Feeling as though I am a fraud in the light of inspiration that so many find me to be. How can one be inspiring when I can’t even feel my feet below me? I feel lost and sleep the hours away under the spell of depression.

My Doctor gave me a month break from chemo as he sees how tired I have become from all of my treatments. After the month is over I will resume back on chemo as well as begin a clinic trial, which is not approved by the FDA. Of course all of this makes me nervous. It’s a constant reminder that my life is in the hands of medicine, in poison. However, I am going to take full advantage of this month and get plenty of rest, per Doctors orders.

I feel stifled by the air in my chest and the anxiety that I am currently enduring. My heart is flooded with emotion, not with haste but an understanding that I am what I am and my life is how it is. All I can hope is that one-day my scars will be healed and all of this pain will be far away. That I can learn to live with what I am, full-fill my dreams and that this fickle flesh will not go to waste.

The reality is that I have no time to spare, I have to put up a fight and rise to the occasion. Find my purpose in what I love most, which is writing. Get back in touch with my one true love. Find consolation in the people that believe in me, so I can still believe in myself. Coming out of the woods by choice and be sure that I can see a new start.

Thank you for bringing me out of the cold. Let’s hope the darkness in my head is tamed  and the sunshine beams through instead.

Love,

Britt x

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Love Letter: Dear Life,

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My Darling Life,

I forget myself and as time ticks on I wonder where do you go. You always know where I am going, the finale and everything that cascades in between. The American-Brit, with the famous eyes. I miss the days of seeing everything through the looking glass, blooming like a rose. Surviving now by looking over my shoulder and feeling older. There were spells when I doubted you and I assumed I’d be better off without. When did everything get so complicated?

Like the lullabies that were caroled in the shaping days of my youth, somehow it’s still those words that speak my truth. Nowadays I read horoscopes to tell me everything is going to be okay because my hope has turned to sand. Troubled by broken dreams, I believed in this life until my heart and soul was turned into a weapon of persistence.

This time I’ve decided to be self-righteous, lift my head and try again. Life, it is abundantly clear that you revive me again and again and nothing I write will ever be able to sum you up. Just when I forget where I have been, you remind me in the end you compose my verse and to linger onto my love, my life.

Love,

Britt xx

As Long As I Got You: K-Babe ♡

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For as down on my luck as I have been in the last few years, I have lucked out as far as the kids that are a part of my world.  Particularly with my little, lovely, clever and beautiful,Kambrell, my K-babe.  If you would have told me seven years ago when I partnered up with my now hubby, that I would gain the best little partner in crime, I would have squealed with excitement.  

When I was diagnosed with cancer, the notion of having children quickly went out of the window, particularly after having my hysterectomy.  Recently the thought of adoption seems non-existent and out of the question for Steve and I.  Who is going to allow a Stage IV cancer patient with a life long illness adopt a child?  I know, I know — it seems like a pessimistic outlook but I must be realistic.  The thing is, I’m not fretting because I have claimed someone for myself.  Someone who has stood the test of time, who has been there for me through it all,  who has laid next to me when I have been at my sickest and laughed with me at my very best.

When my life has lost it’s meaning, she saved me from myself.  As long as I’ve got her and she’s got me and together we can be, well that’s swell.  I’m so grateful for nights like tonight where I can take part of her world and attend things like her talent show where she was the superstar MC.  It makes me realize that I do not need children to feel complete.  I have a wonderful child that I am able to share in her universe and that makes me feel utterly complete.

K-babe, you know I love ya, you rocking’ robin.

 

Love,

Britt x

#BSMHB Update: Cheeky, Cheeky ♡

☀ Welcoming Summer ☀

 

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Summer solstice is upon us and I have finally begun to see the sunshine, as my gloomy and opaque clouds have parted. It has been nearly a week since my mental breakdown and I have been trying to look at each day with a new/different perspective from the last. The change in my demeanor has certainly not been effortless, but rather a solid attempt to find my bliss and discover my life, post remission.

For as far back as I can remember, I have always held goals, both from a personal intent, as well as academically and professionally. While I was moving forward with my treatment, my most important goal of all was surviving and beating the cancer that resided inside of me. I had become out of touch with any other goals outside of remaining alive and once I no longer had to fight everyday to remain, my “usual” goals no longer suited my life. In fact, the goals that I was so used to having became disconnected all together as I found myself with new realities; i.e.- health wise, professionally, personally and otherwise.

After reflecting on my ongoing depression since emerging from cancer, I realized that a key element that was missing in my life and even perhaps evidence of why I was depressed in the first place was due to not having goals and aspirations. Many of my previous goals before cancer died; along with the person that I was the day I was told of my disease. However, within the last week, since my mental calamity, I have been pushing myself, even if my efforts are starting out small, I figured that you have to start somewhere. Each day I have filled up my time with exercise and getting my blood moving with some tai chi and yoga, along with meditation, support groups, social outings and even simple things like taking the time to return phone calls, emails and text messages, which is something that may seem small, but became extremely difficult for me to do within the last few months.

It’s truly astounding how much can change in a week. I went from being on the edge of a cliff, to feeling peace, calm and dare I say it, happiness. In part, I realize that being a goal-setter is a part of my nature and without presence of objective ambitions, my world turned to nothing but doom and gloom. Surprisingly, just within the last few days, I have been riding out such a good wave that I have found myself in such a happy state of mind and didn’t even cry when seeing The Fault in Our Stars. How is that even remotely possible?

Nevertheless, I have made it a goal to keep goals. I truly feel that goal making will help me to realign my wants and needs that I have for my future and keep me on a path of contentment, even perhaps challenging myself from time to time. To start off, I have made a list of some summer goals and wishes to get me through the season and pave the path to getting back to an enjoyable place within myself and my status quo.

Here are some of the goals I have set for myself. What are your summer ambitions?

Eating: More regularly. Since my chemo began last August, my appetite has been lackluster. I would like to start eating three healthy meals per day and only occasionally treating myself to popsicles (even though they are sugar-free).

Drinking: Vintage cocktails. I’m not much of a drinker, but I’d like to take advantage of the cool, summer cocktails that Downtown Phoenix has to offer. My favorite right now is Hendricks and Lemonade and I would also like to pay a visit to the newest cocktail parlor in Downtown Phoenix, Bitter and Twisted.

Practicing: The love of authenticity, to respect and accept myself, my reality and see the good in situations, particularly those out of my control.

Mastering: The enjoyment of alone time and the art of time maintenance. I put the pro in procrastinator…

Learning: To free myself from fear and trying new things. Also, how to keep my plants ALIVE.

Trying: To be a better listener. Over the last year, everything has been about my cancer, thus missing out on some major things my friends have been going through. I’m finally in a place where I can lend an ear…just sayin’!

Playing: Outside. Although I live in the hottest place on Earth and we are about to embark on Arizona’s WORST season, I want to enjoy the outdoors (even if it means sitting on the patio of my favorite brunch spot). That counts as outdoor time, right?

Finishing: What I start. For example, I just made a six-week commitment to attend a cancer support group every Wednesday. So far it’s been week one of six, of which, week one was insanely intense. However, I am determined to commit and finish, with hopes of some liberation.

Listening: To the new Lana Del Rey album, Haim, Wet, Someone Still Loves You Boris Yeltsin, Lucius, along with some old faces, Fiona Apple, Lily Allen, CCR, Simon and Garfunkle, Death Cab, Brand New, RX Bandits, Good Old War, Saves the Day, Jimmy Eat World, Third Eye Blind, Frank Sinatra, Sherwood, The Beatles (((and the list continues))).

Reading: More in general and spending time at the library and bookstores, discovering new reads and getting lost in the pages. Also, finish my latest book, #Girlboss.

Remembering: To take care of my thoughts when I am alone and take care of my words when with people. Oh, also remembering to take my medications…everyday.

Wearing: Fun summer dresses and flirty skirts, but most importantly wearing sunscreen in this blazing heat.

Cooking: Ugh, anyone who knows me, knows that I am not a cook, nor do I want to be. However, perhaps I can just *help* around the kitchen a little more. 😉

Working: On the girl I was too lazy to be yesterday.

Traveling: Here, there and everywhere. Before I was sick, I was quite the little adventurer. I’d like to go on a few little trips to California over the summer and then I have a BIG trip coming up at the end of summer, but the location is top secret. Hint- it’s not a trip to the loony bin (again) and it’s outside of the United States. EEEEKKKK!

Wanting: To practice what I preach. I often find myself setting such high standards for everyone else, yet I don’t hold myself accountable at times for the standards in which I set. Also, volunteering at the Phoenix Children’s Hospital and hopefully lift the spirits of young children battling for their lives.

Love, Britt x