#HospitalLife – In Pictures:

Posted on December 8, 2015 by BeStillMyHeartBlog

I am beyond thrilled to share that I have arrived HOME! Late last night they determined that I was fit enough to return home and all of my efforts of putting up the fight of my life, certainly seems to have now paid off. There is quite a descriptive post in the works, to walk through my latest health journey in words and how I feel that I have once again been afforded a chance at life. This has been an entirely transformative experience and one that I never imagined in my wildest dreams. Somehow, my strength and resilience is at an all time high and because of that I have been peacefully healing —- mind, body and soul.

Here are a few pictures of the

#HospitalLife

12.03.2015-12.07.2015

My hemoglobin levels were considerably low, in which case I needed a blood transfusion. It never really dawned on me how wonderful it is that people donate blood, something I have always been too ill to do even prior to my diagnosis as I have always been anemic. I ended up using two units of blood which ran for about six hours. Shortly after I felt like a completely different person; less fatigued, less cold and returned color to my face. Thank you to those who donate!

Red Cross Blood Bank Centers

Processed with VSCOcam with 4 preset

The day of my surgery I snapped an #instax polaroid of my baby, Zoi. It seemed obvious to me that if I had her adorable little mug looking at me with those eyes of hers, it would push me to do everything in order to make it back home to her. Aside from all of the tremendous amounts of love I received from people near and far, my amazing friends, family and of course my husband — Zoila was the one little (but actually very HUGE) incentive to show up, kick ass and get back on the road of life and viola! here I am!

Processed with VSCOcam with k3 preset

Anyone who follows along on my Instagram knows that my baby Godson holds the actual key to my heart. He stole it from day one. When his beautiful mom — my lovely friend, Michele visited at the hospital the day after my surgery, she brought along a one of a kind flamingo and it instantly brought ridiculous amount of smiles — and not just from me, but all of the staff, fellow patients and anyone who saw my trusty IV monitor as I wheeled it by my side throughout my stay.

Processed with VSCOcam with c2 preset

I’ll admit, my biggest complaint about surgery is that you are forbidden the basic human need of drinking water (or anything for that matter), prior to the procedure. In my case, I was told that I couldn’t have anything from midnight until later in the night after recovery. Quickly, my mouth became a desert and my need for water seemed like life or death. Of course that is an exaggeration, but it is certainly how I felt. As soon as I got the green light, which was about twelve hours later, I ordered “sips and chips” and I felt like I stumbled upon an oasis. Dreamy does not even begin to describe the feeling of when the ice water cooled my lips for the first time. Sometimes it really only takes the small things to make you feel a sense of nirvana.

Processed with VSCOcam with b3 preset

Before I had even been transported to my room, my two best girls had flowers ready and waiting. Prior to my surgery, I couldn’t find the strength to speak to them. Distancing myself for selfish emotional reasons seemed to be the only way I could cope. I felt that if I spoke with them, I might expose that I thought I was going to die and that we’d never have an ABC reunion again. Without fail, they stood by my side no matter what and made sure that I knew they were there with me, showering me with their love and non-stop support. I love you both.

Processed with VSCOcam with se2 preset

I felt so much power behind this operation. Power from prayer and positivity and all of the amazing thoughts that were put out in the universe in honor of getting through this operation with a successful outcome. I feel cheesy every time I say it, but there is no way I would have been able to do it without all of you. Every single person that took it upon themselves to take the time out of their day to wish me well and include me in their conversations with whomever they have faith in. It would be fair to say that I feel endlessly blessed. Seeing this gleaming photo at St. Joe’s Hospital and Medical Center seemed like a fitting vision for the morning after the operation. What a beautiful sight to see (I can even see my neighborhood if I look really close).

HospitalLife7

On the same glorious walk as pictured above, I was marching along the halls with the most important women in my universe. They guide me through every struggle and challenge and proudly walk by my side, even in the darkest of hallways. There are not many words that can do this picture justice, other than, thank you and LOVE.

Processed with VSCOcam with q1 preset

Further exploring the hospital, my home away from home, I walked past my favorite piece of art adorned on the walls in the lobby of the Oncology ward. This particular wall decor always seems to catch my eye. I appreciate creativity and try to search for it wherever I may be. I can especially appreciate when it’s in unexpected spaces and places. Well done, St. Joe’s.

Processed with VSCOcam with c3 preset

Just two short years ago, Steve and I spent the night at the hospital on Christmas. It was by far one of the more depressing of holidays. I feel very fortunate that I will be able to spend this Christmas with my family instead of inside the hospital walls. However, they do their best to make you feel in the holiday spirit. To those who will be spending your holiday in the hospital, my Christmas wish is that you are surrounded by love and joy. It will get better.

Processed with VSCOcam with q3 preset

One of my favorite little cheerleaders, Kambrell joined me at the hospital a few days after the procedure. Seeing things through her eyes and the way she expresses her love for life, makes me feel equally alive. She is one of the most special little girls I know and I’m so grateful to be a part of her world.

Processed with VSCOcam with a2 preset

Just a few of the many gorgeous flowers I received. THANK YOU! I was able to enjoy them everyday and smile thinking of each person and the memories we have shared. I chose to donate the flowers to the Oncology ward of the hospital once I was released. They were all so beautiful and I wanted other cancer patients to be able to enjoy them as much as I did. Please know that your kindness has such an impact and made many others smile, as well as me.

Processed with VSCOcam with c3 preset

Last but most certainly not least, my Steve sent this to me the second night, once he returned home to our dogs, Keg and Zoila. He always knows how to make me laugh, as he was wearing my #ASU hoodie and my satchel to carry Zoila, all in an effort to take Keg on a walk. He takes care of all of us so very well and I am the luckiest person to have such a brave, selfless and loving man. Thank you seems so insufficient. What else can I say? You’re top notch, my love.

HospitalLife

More to come soon.

Love,

Britt x

☀ Welcoming Summer ☀

Posted on June 9, 2014 by BeStillMyHeartBlog

Summer solstice is upon us and I have finally begun to see the sunshine, as my gloomy and opaque clouds have parted. It has been nearly a week since my mental breakdown and I have been trying to look at each day with a new/different perspective from the last. The change in my demeanor has certainly not been effortless, but rather a solid attempt to find my bliss and discover my life, post remission.

For as far back as I can remember, I have always held goals, both from a personal intent, as well as academically and professionally. While I was moving forward with my treatment, my most important goal of all was surviving and beating the cancer that resided inside of me. I had become out of touch with any other goals outside of remaining alive and once I no longer had to fight everyday to remain, my “usual” goals no longer suited my life. In fact, the goals that I was so used to having became disconnected all together as I found myself with new realities; i.e.- health wise, professionally, personally and otherwise.

After reflecting on my ongoing depression since emerging from cancer, I realized that a key element that was missing in my life and even perhaps evidence of why I was depressed in the first place was due to not having goals and aspirations. Many of my previous goals before cancer died; along with the person that I was the day I was told of my disease. However, within the last week, since my mental calamity, I have been pushing myself, even if my efforts are starting out small, I figured that you have to start somewhere. Each day I have filled up my time with exercise and getting my blood moving with some tai chi and yoga, along with meditation, support groups, social outings and even simple things like taking the time to return phone calls, emails and text messages, which is something that may seem small, but became extremely difficult for me to do within the last few months.

It’s truly astounding how much can change in a week. I went from being on the edge of a cliff, to feeling peace, calm and dare I say it, happiness. In part, I realize that being a goal-setter is a part of my nature and without presence of objective ambitions, my world turned to nothing but doom and gloom. Surprisingly, just within the last few days, I have been riding out such a good wave that I have found myself in such a happy state of mind and didn’t even cry when seeing The Fault in Our Stars. How is that even remotely possible?

Nevertheless, I have made it a goal to keep goals. I truly feel that goal making will help me to realign my wants and needs that I have for my future and keep me on a path of contentment, even perhaps challenging myself from time to time. To start off, I have made a list of some summer goals and wishes to get me through the season and pave the path to getting back to an enjoyable place within myself and my status quo.

Here are some of the goals I have set for myself. What are your summer ambitions?

Eating: More regularly. Since my chemo began last August, my appetite has been lackluster. I would like to start eating three healthy meals per day and only occasionally treating myself to popsicles (even though they are sugar-free).

Drinking: Vintage cocktails. I’m not much of a drinker, but I’d like to take advantage of the cool, summer cocktails that Downtown Phoenix has to offer. My favorite right now is Hendricks and Lemonade and I would also like to pay a visit to the newest cocktail parlor in Downtown Phoenix, Bitter and Twisted.

Practicing: The love of authenticity, to respect and accept myself, my reality and see the good in situations, particularly those out of my control.

Mastering: The enjoyment of alone time and the art of time maintenance. I put the pro in procrastinator…

Learning: To free myself from fear and trying new things. Also, how to keep my plants ALIVE.

Trying: To be a better listener. Over the last year, everything has been about my cancer, thus missing out on some major things my friends have been going through. I’m finally in a place where I can lend an ear…just sayin’!

Playing: Outside. Although I live in the hottest place on Earth and we are about to embark on Arizona’s WORST season, I want to enjoy the outdoors (even if it means sitting on the patio of my favorite brunch spot). That counts as outdoor time, right?

Finishing: What I start. For example, I just made a six-week commitment to attend a cancer support group every Wednesday. So far it’s been week one of six, of which, week one was insanely intense. However, I am determined to commit and finish, with hopes of some liberation.

Listening: To the new Lana Del Rey album, Haim, Wet, Someone Still Loves You Boris Yeltsin, Lucius, along with some old faces, Fiona Apple, Lily Allen, CCR, Simon and Garfunkle, Death Cab, Brand New, RX Bandits, Good Old War, Saves the Day, Jimmy Eat World, Third Eye Blind, Frank Sinatra, Sherwood, The Beatles (((and the list continues))).

Reading: More in general and spending time at the library and bookstores, discovering new reads and getting lost in the pages. Also, finish my latest book, #Girlboss.

Remembering: To take care of my thoughts when I am alone and take care of my words when with people. Oh, also remembering to take my medications…everyday.

Wearing: Fun summer dresses and flirty skirts, but most importantly wearing sunscreen in this blazing heat.

Cooking: Ugh, anyone who knows me, knows that I am not a cook, nor do I want to be. However, perhaps I can just *help* around the kitchen a little more. 😉

Working: On the girl I was too lazy to be yesterday.

Traveling: Here, there and everywhere. Before I was sick, I was quite the little adventurer. I’d like to go on a few little trips to California over the summer and then I have a BIG trip coming up at the end of summer, but the location is top secret. Hint- it’s not a trip to the loony bin (again) and it’s outside of the United States. EEEEKKKK!

Wanting: To practice what I preach. I often find myself setting such high standards for everyone else, yet I don’t hold myself accountable at times for the standards in which I set. Also, volunteering at the Phoenix Children’s Hospital and hopefully lift the spirits of young children battling for their lives.