Moments ago I sat on our outdoor chaise, smoking a joint out of an Audrey Hepburn like fashion cigarette holder, only mine was good old fashioned Mary Jane, not a ciggy. The backdrop being pure zen as the Japanese Friendship Garden takes my breath away, although I see it day after day.
Hance park, behind the garden just so happens to be hosting Mountain McDowell Music Festival over the weekend, where the likes of Beck and Animal Collective were a part of the line up. Being blessed with our location in Downtown Phoenix, we were able to hear the show as if we were present. It was clear as day, all three days! Whilst enjoying my smokey treat, the band, The Senators were up, soothing me and the rest of the actual MMMF goers with their song, Music From Another Room and I thought how fitting.
Here I sit, in another room, per usual because of my resistance to join the rest of the public in fear of my condition. Just yesterday Steve, myself, my family and a ton of friends went to the horse track, as they held the annual wiener races and we of course now have our little, Zoila — sausage dog. That morning as we were gearing up to go, I felt extremely fatigued, dizzy, clammy, so on and so forth. Mind you, within the last few weeks I have had chemo (poison) pumped into my body, switched a total of four large doses of vital medications and was placed on hormone replacements due to going through menopause at the ripe age of thirty. Intense doesn’t even begin to skim the surface. Long story short, I put on a brave face, per good form and off to the races we went.
Typically for me, it’s a mixed bag of nuts going out in public, meaning anything outside of Doctor’s visits and affiliate/branding jobs. Perhaps it’s because I’m a bit nuts myself, but often times I suffer from anxiety because I shelter myself in so many ways. I get weirded out and nervous thinking and believing that people are weirded out and nervous by my cancer. The reality is, that I am able to comprehend that the world does not orbit around me and that it is all in my head. But, hey, these are the things that go through my head and I’m being honest here. This is my circle of truth. Then by that point, once we arrive and I see all of the beautiful faces of my family and friends all of the woes and worries of the world seemingly disappear. That along with the spirit of my reality and my set of circumstances, as I am able to giggle and escape in which case I would take over a doobie any second. That is the highest of all highs. A high that any Doctor or Dispensary cannot provide.
Although we had to leave the races early and take a little visit to the Mayo Hospital, I was cleared and sent home with good news that I was just dehydrated and out of whack due to my recent changes in medication. But, even if it was for a sliver of a second, I was able to be normal and engage with friends and loved ones, crack open a beer, enjoy the sunshine, smile at strangers, wait in the ridiculously long ladies restroom line. You know, normal stuff. It’s the small things, truly.
On our way home from the hospital Steve and I were starved being that we hadn’t eaten, had been in the sun and then to follow had been at the hospital. We decided to go on a classy date to Chino Bandido, a delicacy for Phoenicians, a Mexican and Chinese combined taker-outeree. It’s the least classiest place I can think of, but by far the most delicious. We chowed down, crashed on the bed as soon as we walked through the door and other than watching American Restoration and answering boring emails today, you’re pretty much up to date.
Yet, there is a point to all of this rambling. As I lay on my terrace on my chaise lounge, listening to The Senators at MMMF, I realized it’s okay that I cannot do it all anymore. These are the cards I have been dealt. Instead, I decided to strip down to my birthday suit. You heard me, correctly. I got completely stark NAKED, smoked the hell out of my joint and escaped to the most beautiful and cerebral place that exists only in my mind.
I live on such an extreme spectrum in life and I’m not quite sure if I will ever figure that spectrum out, or rather if it will figure me out. And perhaps that’s for the best. Things come to me in other ways; I am so in tune with myself in a rainbow of other ways and at the same time I am a complicated woman, a Scorpio woman at that. But damn, it felt so emancipating and comforting all at once, to stand in front of the sunshine in my bare, raw state — showing my scars and my body without any shame or guilt for who I was in that very moment.
I can only wish that everyone experiences such nirvana.
Have a beautiful sabbath day if that is your thing, beautiful ones. Otherwise, peace and love, always.
Love forev,
Britt x
Be Still My Heart Blog 