Like Watson Loves Sherlock…

Hands

Growing up with a realist viewpoint on relationships, I was never into mushy-gushy romances. I grew up with strong women around me, preaching that you don’t need a man to feel loved, beautiful or smart. It so happens that I felt all of those things on my own. By nature, I am Scorpio – needless to say, I am very passionate about most things and extremely independent. As a child, I could not have imagined the feeling I’d have of love from my future partner and as it would turn out he exceeded my expectations.

It seems like a lifetime ago that I met my now husband. Within the spectrum of six years, we’ve had our blissful moments of being young and in love, as well down on our luck, scraping for rent money and arguing over what now seems so silly. There was a certain innocence to our early days, both with hearts that were wild and free. My new boyfriend, fresh out of the military and myself, a go-getter and a good time, we shared an instant connection and within a matter of days after meeting, we were an instantaneous team. We were like minded in may ways, both independent and cultured, we shared our travel stories that came before one another and bonded over a variety of things that stimulated us in this world. We knew we wanted to make our way to a life worth living and together at that.

Undoubtedly as time passed and our “honeymoon” stage came to an end, we learned more about what made us tick, living habits and moved in together and shared a small place that we called home. Over the course of what I call, “Part I”, we encountered many twists and turns and the growing pains of where our relationship was headed.

Two short years after being in a relationship, we felt it was time we took our bond to the next level; marriage. Our engagement was stressful, we fought like cats and dogs and it was fair to say that people were questioning our union. Although hectic and demanding, we made it through our engagement and had a shit show of a wedding (yes, it was a shit show). However, none of that mattered because all that stood out on that day and every day thereafter, was the fact that my hand was in his hand and our souls were jointly on fire. If only we knew then what we know now. Our lives took a sharp turn when a year into our marriage, I was diagnosed with Stage IV Colon Cancer at age 27.

I read an article the other day that inspired me to write this, as Steve and I are on a journey that we never expected, much like many other forks in the road, but this time it was life and death. Steve at the age of 28 had to take on a responsibility that didn’t seem possible in the marriage clause. Yet, from day one he managed to take the bull by the horns and build me into the warrior he always knew I was. Making it his personal mission to assist me in getting well, there were many sacrifices that had to be made. We had it all, lost it all and slowly he’s working tirelessly to ensure that we have whatever we desire, but most of all, health.

What I’ve realized is that Steve doesn’t shower me with compliments on a daily basis and sometimes his sarcasm goes too far. There are days when I’m too tired or lazy to get out of bed and he holds me accountable. At times he makes me get out of the house despite how poorly I feel, just so I can get some fresh air and a little sunshine. And other times, he is so into watching Discovery Channel that he doesn’t glance up when I walk out of a room. We shift and we shape and marriage isn’t always made up of kisses, flowers and dreamy gazes into each other’s eyes. Instead, it’s about being real with one another, loyalty and having the best interest of yourself and your partner, as a unit.

Life since being with Steve has been far from perfect. We love hard, we fight hard and by no means is our life sensationalized. We’ve had down right shit times and then the simplest of moments can bring us pure ecstasy. We are each other’s echo through everything in life and when you strip away all of the “things”, love still holds no bounds.

Out of our six-year relationship, the past two years have been my favorite. Of course it may sound sullen, as I have been battling cancer for the last two years, yet we have formed an even closer, fiercer, unbreakable declaration to walk through this life together. We have had the best and worst of each other and at the end of the day, I chose it all. I believe in my husband and he has without a doubt shown his very own belief in me, his warrior. The rest of our lives may be trying and forgiving, but we’ll always be in it together.

Thank you, Steve for being the biggest pain in my ass and my best friend, forever. I love you like Watson loves Sherlock.

Love, Britt x

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Us…♡

#US #Love #LoveGoals I #BSMHB #BeStillMyHeartBlog I www.bestillmyheartblog.wordpress.com

I #BSMHB #BeStillMyHeartBlog I www.bestillmyheartblog.wordpress.com

I #BSMHB #BeStillMyHeartBlog I www.bestillmyheartblog.wordpress.com

I #BSMHB #BeStillMyHeartBlog I www.bestillmyheartblog.wordpress.com

I #BSMHB #BeStillMyHeartBlog I www.bestillmyheartblog.wordpress.com

Cancer has a way of becoming self-consuming.  Suddenly, your world revolves strictly around you.  You become the center of your own world, by means of Doctor visits, relationships and ways to keep yourself moving along, when the possibility of life and death is a glooming balancing act.  Having said that, many things fall to the wayside and unless it has to do with the Big C; you may or may not have the energy to fulfill other areas of your life like you were once capable of doing; i.e.- work, exercise, relationships (both romantic and friendships), housekeeping, grocery shopping and all of the things that were once second nature.

More recently, my lack of normalcy has increased by way of exhaustion as I slip further and further into the realm of treatment.  It’s not often that I have ample energy to get up and brush my hair, let alone run to the store or tidy the house.  Countless duties have since fallen upon my husband, Steve and without much complaint.  The real principle of this story is how cancer can affect marriage.  Marriages can suffer from a lot lesser of grounds, but when cancer enters the picture it befalls a whole set of un-embracing worries and difficulties.

For the patient, even when there is an absence of energy, you want to remain somewhat independent.  However, typically so, chemo and a drug-induced mindset may have you disregarding some vital aspects to your recovery, such as remembering to take your medication, eating the right foods for your body and overall judgment when it comes to your best interest.  This is where a caregiver or spouse in my case would come into play.  Being a caregiver or spouse, or even both, in which Steve plays the role of many at this current stage in life, can be extremely tiresome with an ongoing dependability from yours truly.  My personal reliability on Steve at times goes unnoticed by me.  He is so upright and honorable with each hat that he dons and quite frankly not enough credit is given on my part.

Being that I want to bring to light the full disclosure of cancer and all that it encompasses, it would be a sham if I chose to leave my marriage out of the picture, for that is one of the leading relationships in my life and also has an infinite impact on my life with cancer.  I often think of what it would be like to be single as I am going through all of this hullaballoo.  Sure, I have an outstanding family and set of friends that would and have united around me during my time in need, both the sunny and gloomy times, but somehow being single during this time would be a far different experience.  Conversely, what if I would have ended up with someone other than Steve?  I think about that too and it scares me to death, but also makes me cringe at the thought.  Steve is the only person whom I can picture to go on this tumultuous journey with and I truly believe he was placed in my life for many reasons, this being one of them.

A lot of emotions come from being a fulltime sick person.  Unfortunately a lot of those emotions are taken out on the ones you love most and see most.  In Steve’s case, he lives and breathes my cancer prognosis right beside me and regrettably sees the not so fetching sides that I have to offer, as his wife.  There are days, sometimes even weeks where I do not see the light of day with the exception of Doctor appointments or chemo treatments.  As Steve leaves for work each and every morning, there I am laying in bed.  As he comes home to me each night, there I lay in bed, still.  It’s difficult to not feel as though I have become a shell of who I once was and the thought of getting up and out of bed at times feels as though I would be walking on broken glass.  Day after day, night after night, Steve sees my physical and mental condition fading further and further from him, all the while continuing to be the man standing aside me, ensuring I have taken the appropriate medication, eat dinner and then puts me to bed to do it all over again the next day.  Point being, he sees the worse of it all and the ratio of good to bad, is most definitely bad.

As we attempt to take this all in one day at a time and communicate as much as possible in an effort to stay vigilant in our marriage, Steve opened up to me the other day about something that had been weighing heavily on his mind.  He doesn’t often get asked how he is coping with all of this, as everything tends to revert back to how I am doing.  But moreover, his concern was that when I do have energetic days, I am so conscious of trying to keep my friendships afloat that I spend all of my good days with them, all the while he doesn’t get to benefit from any of my upbeat days for quality time between him and I.  After digesting his concerns, I realized that he was so spot on.  I couldn’t bring myself to recall the last time we spent doing something fun, like we used to do pre-diagnosis.  Prior to being diagnosed, Steve and I were true adventurers’, partners in crime and truly loved being by each other’s side, whilst having endless amounts of laughs and good times.

Now, here we are six months into my cancerous life and those times have become few and far between.  As I awoke on Monday morning, I convinced Steve to take a few personal days from work so we could go back to being us.  The us that had always been footloose and fancy-free.  We spent a few days drenched in fun by lunching, going to the movies, walking around window-shopping, having a picnic on a farm, driving up South Mountain, with a small hike to the top peak where we felt we were on top of the world and in the end just had some good old fashioned quality time.  After our few days in martial bliss, we felt a sense of reconnection and despite my health issues, if we keep us on the right track, then balance will be restored in our world.

Steve, words will never be able to express the gratitude I have towards you and all that you do for me.  You are my blessing through all of this pain and I love you more than anything.  Thanks for standing by me through the worst of times and may the best of times soon be on our side.  Love always, Britt xx

Love,

Britt x