At times I feel I have such a casual approach to cancer and other times I’m in complete hysteria, where it plagues my every thought. Tonight is one of those nights.
When I had my hysterectomy in December I was supposed to be completely gutted, at least from a gynecological perspective. Yet, due to the surgeon that performed my hysterectomy (not the GI surgeon, whom I loved) unbeknownst to me, until recently, he made the decision not to remove my cervix. With my history of colorectal cancer, it tends to be attracted as far as metastasis to the gynecological areas; therefore the cervix should have been included when I had the hysterectomy. In my humble opinion, I believe that it was left in an effort to have another operation down the line, thus requiring another insurance claim, leading to more money for the Doctor. Simply disgusting, if you ask me. It’s not fact, but simply an opinion.
With this, I consulted with my current Oncologist at Mayo who respectfully agreed towards the subject matter. From there I was referred to a Gynecology Oncologist to determine if a surgery would even be applicable being that I am currently undergoing my third round of chemotherapy treatment. An operation could mean a number of things, causing high risk and putting me in danger of not being able to administer treatment as needed. Expressing my concerns to the Doctor for the fact that my cancer seems to be attracted to those areas of my body, as well as having my worst nightmare in December and never wanting to be in that situation again.
The thing is, prior to December, I knew something was wrong. I pushed and pushed and kept telling my previous Doctor that something was wrong and that I should have been on treatment only to be told I was practically insane. No one knows your body better than you and that is a lesson I have come to learn all too well. Always trust your gut. But with that, this time around I wasn’t about to be dismissed. I wanted to be heard and I actually felt that they were listening.
When I met with the Gynecology Oncologist, he confirmed that indeed my cervix was left and to his surprise, given his expertise. Yet, he confirmed that any kind of surgery would not be wise given that going off of chemotherapy at this point in the game would be “life ending”. I have three tumors at this point that the chemo is trying to zap.
No matter how many times I hear that death could be that close never gets easy. In fact, it gets more and more difficult. How many times does a thirty year old have to hear she could be so close to death?
At first it didn’t quite sink in. But either way, I’m stuck. I’m stuck with a cervix that I’m terrified my cancer will spread to and I’m stuck on chemo because the alternative is most definitely life ending.
What’s strange about it all though is that I’ve never been happier. Things have never been clearer. I know who I am, I know who has my back, I know what I want, I know what I have to do to get through each day and most importantly I know how to love and be loved. Life is not so bad after all. I’ll live with my cervix, I’ll live with having chemo because the point is that with both of those things, at least I’ll be ALIVE and living. I’ll take both of those things over the alternative any day. Sometimes you just have to put things into perspective and it just takes a little while for things to shape and shift and mold itself into a beautiful sculpture, something that you can handle looking at day after day. Cancer is something I can handle looking at and the journey is becoming less and less ugly and rather more beautiful than ever. It’s all in how you look at it.
Happy Monday. Enjoy your week, friends.
PS- My next scan will be May 4th. I will update as soon as I have results!