As this busy week begins, I have the opposite of world problems running through my mind. What am I going to wear to my dear friend’s Birthday dinner on Friday? Or, the semi buyer’s remorse for the small fortune that I spent at Urban Outfitters over the weekend and how I am going to get my hair done come tomorrow with my Stylist. Though, on Tuesday night, after I have watched The Real Housewives of Orange County (RHOC) and rest my head on the pillow, I’ll know that it’s a must to set my alarm for 7:30am so I can begin my 2.0 crossing with chemotherapy. That’s right, my cancer is active again and in my absence from keeping up with the blog, I’ve been balancing out my mental happiness that has returned, along with the pains of knowing in my gut, cancer has once again preceded me.
I’ve been an awful blogger, plain and simple. But, in my late nonappearance of cancer, also came an absenteeism of my happiness, as I have written about in past blogs. Consequently, I have spent the last few months showing all too well that I am human and the core of my humanism has awkwardly been present. This being from losing my $#!^ and checking myself in and out of a psychiatric ward, flying off the handle at my poor husband and ultimately, foolishly, considering to off myself due to the deep blues after my first year battling cancer and treatment came to a head. Fortunately, after a couple of very long and grueling months, I found myself on the other side of the blues and in due course created my own hues of sunshine and rainbows. Beginning with myself, I searched deep within me to find my bliss. I thought deeply about the things that made me sad and tried to find ways to change them.
It’s been rather difficult for me to be inspired to write my blog as of late. Perhaps it is because I have been too busy living my life out in the world and the thought of spending my time behind a computer screen seemed less attractive. Yet, I am sure that in the coming months, with my second bout of chemotherapy, I will have oodles to discuss. Assuming my experience this time around will be similar, I will hopefully skate by without losing any of my hair, avoid having an intimate relationship with the porcelain thrown and my gag reflexes and still be able to maintain my new found satisfaction with life, as well as upholding my social life, for that is truly what keeps me pepped up. Without fail, I know that I will be sluggish, tender and additionally will have to avoid my unconditional bond with popsicles, including anything cold for that matter.
This go around, I know what to expect. I am not frightful, nor am I weary of the side effects. In fact, I was discussing my dread for chemo with my “A” (Allison) and she had asked what was different about this time and why I had used the word dread. My response was a few things; not being able to color my hair regularly due to the chemicals and chemo not agreeing with one another, the fact that I will not be able to go on my BIG trip abroad come September and lastly, in a less vain sense comparatively, a second stint of chemo will most likely leave me even less fertile, therefore my chances of biologically having a baby are becoming even more slim. Clearly there are certainly negative results with going back on chemotherapy and it was a difficult decision for my lovely and brilliant Oncologist to make. The woman in charge of my quality of life fears that by once again starting chemotherapy, I won’t be able to revel in the young years of my life. Yet, in spite of everything considered, without going back on chemotherapy per my Oncologist’s recommendation, I may not have a life to continue. It’s become very apparent that cancer is not exiting my life, nor will it ever. However, to whatever degree, I see the positive in all of this and can only hope for the best and prepare for the worst.
Lately, I have been having dreams of death, flashes in my head during the waking hours and yet again; death has become something that is at the forefront of my mind. My goal is to remain a fugitive of passing and fight with all of my might to once again gain control over the beast inside of me; my worst enemy. I may not ever be able to fully escape cancer and that I have accepted, but perhaps I will continue to remain in attack mode to truly find out why and what the purpose of all of this is. Within the last year I have learned a ton about myself, as I have shared with you in the past, but nonetheless, that was merely the early days of my laborious journey.
As things move forward, I will share my thoughts, feelings and everything in between as I did before. It will be interesting to see the similarities and differences in my second trek, viruses my first virgin chemotherapy experience. In my best attempt I will remain fearless, as fear is for jerks. Please continue to send good vibes my way as I battle this out, again. Thank you for always providing support and lifting me up in the most difficult periods of my life. I am blessed with a wonderful family, adoring husband and the best of friends. Despite cancer, life doesn’t get much better than this.
Peace and love, always.
We are just a phone call away. Day or night, sun or rain you call and we are their. You and Steve are not alone. We will walk behind you to carry you on the hard day, in front of you to guide you and beside you to hold your hand to let you know you will not be alone in any of this. Love you bunches.
thinking of you x
Beautifuly written touched my heart as always I am so proud of you love you Nan xxx