As I clung to the porcelain throne in my bathroom, praying for mercy from the nausea and sick induced side effects of chemo, I was ferociously smiling in my mind, for I knew that although cancer and it’s nasty properties were beating me up from the inside out, I was winning the war overall. On Tuesday morning I was blessed with brilliantly ideal news from my Oncologist. The chemotherapy treatments that I have undergone since August are working significantly and my tumor markers came down from a whopping seven to a four. What this meant to me was progress, which in my book proves that the battle between myself and the cancer was going somewhere. Our tactics and killing strategy against the enemy are in full force, with numbers to showcase and ultimately my competitive Scorpio nature kicked into high gear with an eagerness to attack my opponent with every fiber of my being.
For a period of time I was receiving lackluster news and felt that my fight was lessening with my treatment, side effects and drought in energy and I was beginning to feel like it is all for nothing. Could I win? Would I win? Was the marathon of a crusade even worth it? I began questioning if I had enough vigor to march on, as it seemed that even by doing everything I was supposed to be doing, i.e. chemo treatment, pill popping, resting or resorting to a life in bed met the sacrifice it takes to pull out all the stops and kick cancers ass. Negative news week over week distorted my view of the finish line and my focal point of my will to win. You see, winning is a part of my nature and losing is rarely an option, however my skewed delirium departed from me and my usually unvarying sense of resiliency had lost its power.
This worthy news also came with a secondary mentionable. If my tumor numbers continue to decrease, as they are now, I will be able to take a brief, but ever so needed “chemo holiday” in the spring. Having now been through eleven chemo treatments, it has undoubtedly done a number on me, both mentally and physically. A break from treatment, even if provisional, would mean that I would gain some energy and oomph back and more importantly regain my wits about me.
In summary, I know I still have a long road ahead of me, but the supreme update from my Doctor has given me the boost that I need to remain forceful, determined and show this cancer who is boss. After all, I’ve always been a bit of a bossy boots, so the heated waging of war shall continue on.
PS- my bone marrow and palettes are still low, leaving me with little to no immune system. So if you see me out and about in a bubble, don’t fret…just call me “bubble girl”.