Things can change in an instant; good news can turn to bad, happiness to sadness and in the blink of an eye your highest high can envelope your lowest low. Yesterday was a day of highs. I saw my Oncologist and to my surprise she shared optimistic news that my concerning tumor had shrunk to half the size, since the beginning of my treatment. Naturally, I was elated with the news, this left me with great satisfaction that the chemo treatments were proving to be effective and ultimately bestowed a sense of hope in the measures we’ve been taking to kick this cancer.
In addition to my good news yesterday, the Doctor did declare some concern over my remaining ovary, explaining that as of my CT scan this past week, there appeared to be some areas of concentration on the ovary. Further explaining all of the hypotheticals, she informed that it could simply be cysts on the ovary, due to the aggressive fertility treatment that my husband and I went through in late August. Shortly after the fertility cycle concluded, I started chemotherapy, leaving little to no time for my body to heal, this causing possible cysts. On the more alerted note, she also said that it could be tumors forming on my ovary, in which case would leave me “ovary-less”, as surgery would be a necessity.
Clearly, with the worst case scenario news, I thought about the future of being able to have biological children, with the man I love. Immediately I felt as though I had been punched in the gut and left feeling helpless and hopeless once again. After a quick pitty party, I decided that doom and gloom wasn’t a good look and I pulled myself up by my boot straps and told myself to focus on the positive news that the day brought.
For the remainder of the day, I channeled my energy, focusing on the positive and ridding myself of anything that wreaked of negativity. As the day came to a close, I felt accomplished and that things were progressing in the right direction, despite the little nugget of bad news regarding my ovary, but I wasn’t going to get hung up on hypotheticals just yet.
Before my alarm could even go off this morning, I received a personal call from my Oncologist to discuss my tumor markers that were drawn, while in the office yesterday. The Doctor proceeded to explain that when I began my treatment my markers were at a 6. Through the five chemo rounds that I have now undergone, the markers have nearly quintupled and she stressed the urgency of going to the hospital for an immediate PET scan.
So, here I sit, waiting for my scan and I have the worst “scanxiety”, a word I am borrowing from a brilliant woman who knows all too well what the anxiety of scans can be. Now, I am waiting two hours for the radiotracer of radiation to work its way through my ill body, to determine whether or not I will light up like a Christmas tree.
It’s funny how the spectrum of emotions can change so gallantly, in an unflinching manner. Today, unlike yesterday my heart is heavy and my nerves are high. But, I will continue to embrace my reality and stay intact with my positivity, only surrounding myself with love and light.
Updates will follow post PET scan. 💙