I should kick off by stating a fact; a pretty crier, I am not.  So for what it’s worth, my advance apologies for the moaning face in which is portrayed in the above video.

A woman found out today, after eight years of battling cancer, that she is now cancer free.  The look on her face, the sound in her voice and her smile from ear to ear illuminated the sense of triumph and resilience that she must have felt.  Her feat with cancer had finally concluded and with a warm embrace, everyone in the chemotherapy clinic clapped for her, cheered her on and collectively shared her victory against the disease that we are all there battling.

On the contrary, as I sat in the Pepto-Bismol colored chair, I felt as though my surmounting crusade against cancer would never come to a close.  I felt elated for the strong, brave woman whom had fought tirelessly, but reluctantly felt that I would never have the same sensation of cheerfulness in being cancer free.  The thought of ever standing in front of the other patients, gallantly disclosing that cancer would no longer be a part of my life seemed like a hard-wearing disillusion.

Something in me today could not face the blinding light of what my future looks like.  Everything about the future, my future seemed like a hard one to know.  The aspects of my life in which typically are marked in stone, slowly chipped away today and my spirituality was shook to the core.  Questioning the why behind my condition and knowing that I may never know the answer as to why this is all happening, left me cross, cold and the logic that I typically hold, washed away as though it never existed in the first place.

In the quiet of my mind, I can’t help but beg to understand why each and every person in that chemotherapy room has to go through such pain and suffering.  The darkness descended and I relished in the unbearable thoughts of the unknown.

I’m sure anyone who goes through something life altering has questions as to why.  I know I am not the only one.  I can only hope that there is a bigger plan in place.  Something astounding that will make this all worthwhile.  I’m not looking to be rewarded for the endurance that this is taking, but merely looking for my purpose and the purpose that this disease has in my life.

Until next time…

Love,

Britt x