“In sickness and in health” is customarily a vow that you file away somewhere far off into the future, when you’re old and grey, with wrinkles that acquaint a story of a lifetime of love. Yet a year and a half after Steve and I committed to those very same vows, I became his sick bride.
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An invasion entered our lives, abruptly becoming our reality when I was diagnosed with Stage IV colon cancer at the ripe age of 27. The uninvited guest soon became the third companion during a time when our lives were just beginning. Plans to start a family, advance in our careers, and build a life with one another was exceedingly interrupted and tormented by this illness.
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In the early days of our union, our lives and relationship became far from normal. Many people made remarks such as, “You are very fortunate that your husband is supportive and stayed with you”. Notwithstanding that I am indeed filled with gratitude for his unwavering loyalty, and the fact that he “stuck around”, as well as taking on the role of my biggest champion. But, we made a commitment for better or worse and he stepped up to the plate, living those vows, keeping his word.
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My disease is not just mine, but “ours” and is pretty much all we know as a married couple. Admittedly, it’s not easy to be married to me, some days are good, some days are bad, some days are worse, and some days I can’t help but feel that Steve got the raw end of the deal. The feeling is overwhelming, but then again I attempt to put myself in his shoes and realize that it must be overwhelming for him to see his wife go through the physical and mental torture that comes along with cancer. Also carrying the burden of taking care of me, the household responsibilities and bills, while I carry the burden of guilt due to my limitations, without the promise that I will mend.
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Every relationship has its trials and we are not the exception, but we both realize we are in this together. Steve is my life support and I could not imagine being tangled up with anyone else but him. 🖤 #foodforthought
When day turns into night, my mind goes from positively free thinking, to thoughts of impending doom. I’ve suffered nightly anxiety for the last several years, falling into a thinking trap that I cannot seem to climb my way out of. Needless to say, I’ve been medicated with an array of anti-anxiety drugs which challenge the negative thoughts that paralyze me come nightfall. These said drugs have been the calm in my emotional storm and a quick fix for the anxiousness in the quiet. Since being with CTCA, I have depended on my Oncologist to prescribe the medication that I would typically get from my psychiatrist at Mayo Clinic. Recently my Oncologist deferred the prescription responsibilities to a Quality of Life Doctor within CTCA, whom I just started seeing in place of my psych at my previous treatment center. I happened to see this new Doctor this past week and she advised that she would no longer be prescribing anxiety medication as she wants to tackle my issues from a more holistic approach. Just the mere thought of not having pills to tackle my irrational thinking when I lay my head upon my pillow, has left me feeling an even greater defeat to my death anxiety. I can appreciate looking at things from different angles, however I can’t help but feel a certain sense of desperation and find it to be somewhat irresponsible to for-go helping me tackle the trauma that beholds a 33 year old, with Stage IV cancer and chronic stress. She suggested that I talk to the moon, light candles and practice self talk to calm myself. I’m going to give the suggested non-medication fixes a fair chance by practicing breathing exercises, meridian points tapping, drawing a warm bath and hoping for the best. However, I want people to know that although it’s easy to say “snap out of it”, when panic/anxiety sets in, it is extremely real for the person going through it and it’s easy to generalize a strategy to reducing the fear when you aren’t the one under attack. What are some ways that you practice self-care? 🙇♀️🧠💊 #mentalhealth #cancerlife #anxiety #underpressure
*Do not disturb mode* ✌️—— Steve and I normally don’t eat like a garbage disposal, but we are camping out at home this weekend, watching Game of Thrones in an attempt to finish before the finale on Sunday. Turns out they could not do chemo this week as my white blood cell count is too low, leaving me feeling weak and fatigued. But, as divine intervention would have it, I feel less guilty about spending the weekend in bed watching GOT and eating like absolute shit. Happy Saturday, franz. What’s your go to junk and chill food? ***no spoilers or judgement plz*** ⚔️ #gameofthrones #junkfood #fattiesunite
Dog mom everyday. 🐶
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Today is always a bittersweet day for me, as I cannot have children. One of the many things people don’t associate with cancer is infertility due to treatments like chemotherapy and radiation to name a few. Steve and I did try our hand at IVF shortly after I was diagnosed and before I started chemo. Unfortunately none of the embryos took and a year later I had a complete hysterectomy, putting a pin in the hope that babies would be in our future. I’m now at peace with it all, but at the time I was devastated and angry. Shortly after that, Steve brought home a six week old miniature dachshund that we named Zoila. Although she is not a human baby, she changed my life forever. Zoila has a nutty personality, keeping our household full of life. I’ll forever be grateful to be her dog mom, and thankful to Steve for giving me the best gift I could have asked for, and ultimately needed in my life.🐶 Happy Mother’s Day to all of the mamas out there, as well as bonus moms, single moms, moms to be, dads who are also moms and fur baby moms. Cheers! ❤️ #dogmom #mothersday #furbaby
I’ve been low key watching Game of Thrones because Steve made me a deal that if I watched GOT, then he’d watch Mad Men *my fave*. Needless to say, I took the challenge. I’m on the 3rd season and I’m like, okay I get it now. Although I’m nearly 10 years behind on this trend, I’ve arrived nevertheless. Here I am being recluse this weekend, albeit it’s beautiful outside, but here I sit binging in all of its glory and feeling like death warmed over. ⚠️ 🚨 🚫***PS- if you give anything away it’s off with your head*** #gameofthrones #GOT #antisocialclub
